Jokes, on me
88 punchlines about 44 men, women & shark pups
Let us mince neither words nor meat: I’m a busy fellow. I’ve got places to go, bike-gang bigwigs to gladhand, etcerooni. And so I offer you: punchlines! punchlines! punchlines! Match the punchline w/ the correct setup (below), and you just might win something like a prize! Or not! This will be fun, consarnit.
Setup #1: Pregnancy is always a load of laffs (morning sickness, epidurals), and mysterious "virgin pregnancies" (morning sickness, epidurals, God’s gentle touch late one nite) even more so. And so it is w/ no-small glee that I pass on the following tidbit: a N_br_sk_ aquarium reports their first virgin birth of the year. One of 3 lady bonnethead sharks, bunkmates (sans male bonnethead) since infancy, gave birth to a healthy pup over the holidays. (Note: a passing stingray killed the pup mere hours after its miraculous birth, dulling the story’s shine. Nature may be many things, but sentimental it ain’t.) Scienticians are stumped: which of the 3 sharks cranked out the kid, and who’s the daddy? Altho a dude shark does share the same tank as the toothy ladies, it’s of the "epaulet shark" variety. An unnamed source said an epaulet shark enjoying intercourse w/ a bonnethead shark is unlikely, comparable to a Chihuahua sexifying a St. Bernard. (The same source next suggested sev’ral Web sites featuring footage of hot Chihuahua-St.B action. I, in turn, shuddered.) Researchers believe the offending sperm must’ve come from somewhere other than the epaulet... but where? They hope DNA testing will solve this paternity puzzle. On an interesting zoological sidenote, the myopic pup was born w/ an uncharacteristic feature: a shock of bright red curly hair.
Setup #2: More preggo-laffs? Indeed! A hospital in L_nd_n, where people should really know better, rang in the New Year by advising 6 elderly men that they are pregnant. The error stems from a malfunctioning new computer notification system, intended to automatically inform patients of postponed surgery. "I’m confident we’ve now worked out the ‘bugs,’ so to speak," said a hospital administrator. She started to add something about "these things happen," but cut the press conference short upon learning her vasectomy operation had been unexpectedly moved up to that afternoon. Most of the men who received the pregnancy notices, many of whom are barely squeaking by on small pensions, were relieved to learn of the error. Some, however, expressed disappointment. "Truth be told, I was kinda looking forward to hearing the pitter-patter of a bald, toothless, crabby diapershitter," said one man.
Setup #3: Three cheers (huzzah! hooray! word up!) for recycling. And three more cheers (yippee! yahoo! go suck a lemon!) for an exciting new recycling initiative coming out of merry olde Th__l_nd. Already one of Asia’s most popularest golfing destinations (motto: "Come for the duffing, stay for our flagrant disregard for international copyright laws"), Th__l_nd has just announced plans for a new tri-country golf course, built on booby-trapped terrain overlapping the borders of C_mb_d__ and L__s. Much in the way juice-boxes are magically transformed into park benches, this dangerous patch of heavily land-mined paradise is set to become a top-notch tour attraction. "We feel the new course will offer the world-weary golfer a level of excitement currently missing from the sport," said the usual unnamed spokesperson. "It will also radically redefine the terms ‘hazard’ and ‘handicap.’"
Punchline A: "I don’t know why everyone’s making such a big deal out of all this," said the aquarium president, adjusting his Coke-bottle glasses whilst running his fingers thru a full head of bright red curly hair.
Punchline B: Initial plans call for the course to feature 27 holes, but this will likely change as more & more golfers find themselves chasing wayward balls into the explosive rough.
Punchline C: "That is, other than me." |
