Deer God
Killjoy to the world, the new toys have come
Of all the Yuletide traditions – a discarded chesterfield roasting o’er an open fire, a Jack Russell terrier nipping at my foes – perhaps my most favouritest is the annual "evil toy" checklist. Started back in AD 1986 by a crusading man o’ the cloth, the list warns consumers of the year’s Top Ten Most Degenerate Toys. The Rev’rend tackles the usual evils (racial stereotypes, violence, inappropriate ooh-la-la content, et cet) and, for the most part, he’s bang-on the money. I mean, who in their right mind would give their child "Spendthrift Elmo With Super-Cheap Haggling Action," that cuddly computerized doll (bearing certain exaggerated ethnic features) programmed to return itself to the toystore for a full refund? Or how ’bout a "My First Wrongful Injury Lawsuit Kit," which includes everything an enterprising toddler needs to level spurious charges against the institute of her/his choice? (Altho those li’l neck-braces are rather adorable.)
On the other hand, it’s hard to ignore the fact that this grown man spends his time searching out disgusting, offensive toys. This makes him, well, creepy. On the other, other hand – huh? what am I here? Vishnu? – the Rev’s s/hit-list is the best e.g. of "reverse advertising" since Moses lugged those two stone billboards down from Mt. Sinai. In other words, he sorta makes the bad stuff sound groovy.
But yeah, like I say, the Rev is mostly "right on" in his assessments... except for this year’s condemnation of the "Super Dooper Reindeer Pooper." Lemme get this straight: a reindeer-shaped candy dispenser, designed to plop brown jelly-beans outta you-know-where, is "insensitive & offensive to Christians celebrating Christmas"? (I s’pose PEZ condones decapitation, too.) Sounds to me like God-Boy came up short this year and had to pad his list. I mean, encouraging kids to eat animal scat is prob’ly not the greatest lesson, but what’s this insensitive/offensive/Christian biz? Is this holier-than-me dude trying to say that reindeer don’t "lighten their load," as it were? And how exactly does this impact Christians? Unless, of course, they step in the stuff.
The charges are just plain silly, and biologically naive – especially when you think of the long hours those reindeers work, criss-crossing the globe w/ J.H.Christ’s toy-laden sleigh in tow. What does the good Rev. think happens on Christmas Eve, anyway? A quick pitstop atop Mt. Everest, so Rudolph & Co. can move their bowels away from prying eyes? (Yeah right, like those nosy Sherpas wouldn’t peek.) And this doesn’t even begin to address how The Man In Charge takes care of His needs. To borrow a line from the goody-2-shoes movement: What would Jesus do? Whiz in an empty Evian bottle whilst soaring over Holland, I guess.
Unless His delivery route takes him near J_p_n’s Mt. Daisen right when Nature calls. The mile-high peak now boasts two brand-new, environmentally-friendly lavatories – a welcome sight whether yer the Son of God, or just some schlub who drank too much coffee at the basecamp. Y’may not be wiping a lily down there, but the luxurious surroundings will make you feel like ya are.
The new facilities cost over a half-million bucks (mostly ’cuz they had to be airlifted into place, what w/ the local Pack-mule Union putting the kibosh on lugging terlets) (they say it’s demeaning), and use undiscerning microbes to break down the waste & purify the water. The fancy digs replace old washrooms which, according to a frequent hiker, "stank to High Heaven" – no surprise, really, given that the summit’s 5,673 ft. altitude puts the port-o-potties that much closer to the pearly gates. A spokesperson for Heaven says it’s a good first step, but issues of etiquette also need to be addressed. "We’re stuck up here for Eternity, people," she told reporters during a recent press conference. "Would a courtesy flush kill you?" |
