Thirteen reasons to leave the classics alone

Why is it that directors think they can take a classic horror film, add a good-looking girl and a few corny punch lines and have a hit movie? Well, for the past few years this is what horror movies have come to, and it only continues with Thirteen Ghosts. Director Steve Beck should have left this 1960s classic well enough alone and let it remain, well, a ghost.

The opening scene tells us that Rafkin (Matthew Lillard) is a psychic being paid to track down 12 ghosts by the sinister Cyrus Kriticus (F. Murray Abraham), who in turn captures the ghosts for reasons that remain unknown.

Then the movie switches focus to Cyrus’s nephew Arthur (Tony Shalhoub), obviously in a state of disarray since the tragic death of his wife. His daughter Kathy (Shannon Elizabeth), son Bobby (Alec Roberts) and comic-relief nanny Maggie (rapper Rah Digga) are living in a run-down apartment with countless unpaid bills and all share a special family moment when little Bobby calls his sister a slut. Did I already mention the corny punch lines?

They think their luck is changing when, luckily for them, their rich, eccentric Uncle Cyrus dies and leaves the family his estate. Enter Cyrus’s house, definitely the best character in the movie and the one thing the production company dished out the big bucks for, as it obviously did not go to actor’s fees or makeup – one could find scarier ghosts out trick-or-treating.

The art direction is spectacular. Created entirely from glass, every wall in the home bears "containment spells" written in Latin, which prevent the captured ghosts from passing through them. Unfortunately for the family, however, the house is also booby-trapped, leaving them and Rafkin locked inside with the ghosts, who, having died horrible deaths and then been captured, are now pissed.

Pro-ghost activist Kalina (Embeth Davidtz) makes a brief appearance to tell Arthur that this powerful house is indeed a soul-eating machine and once it contains the soul of the mysterious 13th ghost, it will become "the eye of hell."

Watching Thirteen Ghosts, I felt as though I were in the eye of hell, as I’m sure did the many couples who left the theatre halfway through the screening. The constant cheesy ghostly moans, endless scenes of ghosts flashing like strobe lights onscreen and a lacklustre cast says it all. This classic horror remake is yet another classic mistake.