3 Feet Tall & Risin’
Science gives dwarves a boost
Dig these words, for they are trustworthy & true. For I am the alfalfa & the omega, the beginning of the end, and I give unto you – from the drinking-fountain of the water of life, w/o down payment (no interest ’til 2002, neither) – deep thoughts re: dwarves.
(Disbelievers: yr lot shall be in the lake that burns w/ fire & sulphur. And if you can’t afford lakeside property, yr lot will be across the street from the lake that burns w/ fire & sulphur, which is still a nice area.)
Biblical bluster aside, what’s up w/ dwarves? Not much! (Cue rimshot.) That’s exactly why we love the li’l rapscallions, and why the following "news item" is so chilling: a controversial surgeon is breaking/resetting the bones of young dwarves, upsizing their limbs by an extra 15 inches. (I think "the rack" may be involved.) The dwarves thereby become (a) taller, and (b) less dwarfy. Aside from the obvious "con" argument (namely, the heinous implication that everyone should look alike – an idea that I, admittedly a Nordic god in the looks dept., find deplorable), the surgery paints an unflattering portrait of dwarves as selfish SOBs.
Dwarves have contributed so much to our culture, and it sickens me to think they’re copping out now. Take dwarf-tossing, for e.g. Just as hockey w/o a puck is merely skating, dwarf-tossing w/o a dwarf is merely calisthenics. Further, it’s unreasonable (nay, inhumane) to expect our champion dwarf-tossers to risk serious physical injury hefting surgically-enhanced dwarves (taller = heavier), jeopardizing the sport’s very existence. (Lift w/ the legs, oh dwarf-tossers, lift w/ the legs.)
More: I’m sure people won’t be queuing around the block for the re-release of W.Disney’s Snow White & the Seven Guys of Average Height. (The mind reels at the idea of other "scientific revisionings." Grumpy flying high on a mood-enhancing herbal regimen? Sleepy jacked up on trucker pep-pills? Sneezy on allergy meds? Dopey on methadone?) And lest we forget how not-dwarves will have a detrimental effect upon filmmakers, who will hafta devise new lazy shorthand to convey "surrealism" (Twin Peaks, etc.). Egads.
Sev’ral dwarves have already undergone the radical procedure. One man, altho not a dwarf himself, is a vocal opponent of the surgery. "A lot of my friends have had the operation," says Mr. Darby O’Gill, who is v. active in the little person community. "Now, when I forcibly grab one & demand to be taken to his treasure, he looks at me like I’ve got 2 heads or something.
"I don’t know who they are anymore."
We, the tall, must step up w/ words of encouragement. Dwarves: don’t do it! Don’t sacrifice yr individuality for the sake of "fitting in"! Don’t contribute to the creeping homogeneity of the western world! And, above all, don’t sacrifice all the great deals you can scam by pretending to be a kid! You, dwarf, can enjoy a host of child benefits if willing to dress the part: ordering off the junior menu, reduced admission to movies (as long as you don’t wanna see nuthin’ racy), and e-z access to Flintstones Chewable Viagras. (Humiliation: yr ticket to huge savings!)
On that Viagra point: yes, s’true. Quacks are already prescribing the so-called "hard stuff" to kids suffering from rare lung disorders. This revelation comes after a controlled study in which a young boy was given the drug; the patient was pleased to discover he could then climb a set of stairs w/o wheezing, but overjoyed by the eruption of an everlasting erection. Doctors are optimistic that a pediatric version of Viagra (easy pickings for the enterprising dwarf!) will be commercially available as soon as they work out a few bugs. Side-effects currently include: confusion, lucidity, diarrhea, constipation, fever, chills, sky-high self-esteem, and increased popularity w/ the ladies.
Next week: Giants, what a buncha freaks! |
