Video Vulture goes cybernetic
Five robot combos with meat – hold the pickles
Cyborg (n): contraction of Cybernetic Organism. Refers to creatures that are half-man, half-machine. We're not always talking about a 50-50 split though – sometimes it's just some guy with a little bit of machinery stuck on. Other times, it's almost entirely synthetic, with just a little bit of meat. The latter type is what we're looking at this week.
Moontrap (1989): Walter Koenig and Bruce Campbell play over-the-hill astronauts who go to the Moon and face an army of killer robots. Well, I say "army," but really there's only one or two of these pathetic clanking tripods onscreen at any one time. Later we do see a big batch of robot pods on an alien spaceship, a chilling sight meant to fill the viewer with fear and awe. "I'm filled with fear and awe," you might say. "Gosh, if those pods are headed to Earth, then we're all gonna be in big tr– oh, forget it. Let's see what's on The Food Network."
The robots like to rebuild themselves using scrap metal and human body parts, although the latter don't always seem like practical additions. Sure, I can understand a robot wanting to try on Bruce Campbell's bloody face so it can jump at the window and go "Boo" – but what's with all those bits of skin dangling from the back? They don't connect to anything – they just hang there. Perhaps the robot liked the idea of wearing a cape.
Virus (1998): Electrical aliens infest a Russian sea vessel, and make a determined effort to wipe out all humans on board. They do this by constructing killing machines out of machinery and human body parts. Another Moontrap then, but at least the beasties look impressively biomechanical, and not like dodgy props with bits of beef jerky riveted on. They also rack up a slightly more impressive body count, which isn't hard when you consider that the Moontrap robots mostly just stood around waiting to get killed (or, in particularly tense moments, making holes in the good guy's clothing. Oooooh, scary.)
The survivors spend the entire movie surrounded by water, wondering how to defeat an electricity-based menace. Hmmmm....
Robocop (1987): There's a crime spree in old Detroit. Gangs run wild with high-powered weaponry, while the police go on strike. There's only one solution: staple a dead cop's face onto a robot!
Don't knock it – it worked.
The Terminator (1984): So, Arnie's a killer robot from the future, but he bleeds ’n’ stuff because he's encased in Realistic Human Flesh. He has to be, because time travel only works on organic material – unless it's encased in Realistic Human Flesh. Lucky they had that stuff lying around. Maybe it's one of the extras that the robots of the future can get at service stations. "Care for an oil change and body wash, sir? For just a few dollars more you can get the rust protection spray, or you can go all out and have the Realistic Human Flesh coating applied while you wait. It allows you to use the time machine, sir – worth every penny, if you ask me."
Probably best not to think too much about it. Just like it's best not to think about the whole if-the-robots-succeed-in-killing-Sarah-Connor-then-they-won't-need-to-send-the-Terminator-in-the-first-place paradox. Just sit back and enjoy a true action classic.
Star Trek: First Contact (1996): The Borg are clearly intended to be more machine than meat, despite the minimal bionic accessories sported by fans at sci-fi conventions. (And despite Jeri Ryan. Hubba hubba!) Surely, the borg with the smallest percentage of biological components is Data, after getting a skin graft on his synthetic face. (It's sorta like he's trying to quit being human, and is using The Patch.) This is the first step to converting the virtuous android to evil Borgdom, but fortunately it comes off with a little cold cream or molecular acid. |
