Wifeys
Or: how Tom Green was my bigamist valley?
Ah, summer weedings. Long, hot days spent yanking all them pesky dandelions outta the lawn, my back hunched over like some kinda hunchback, my knees painfully a-throb w/ throbbing kneepain. The only thing better than summer weedings? Easy: summer weddings. And the only thing more romantique than a summer wedding? E-Z again: multiple summer weddings. And the only thing, etc. etc.? Easy cubed: multiple summer weddings, all involving the exact same groom.
Now that Americans have satiated their latest capital-punishment bloodlust (yr justice is in my revenge! yr revenge is in my justice! yr needle is in some dopey brush-head’s arm!), perhaps we can turn our attention-deficit disorder to another legal freakshow: the upcoming sentencing of convicted Utah bigamist Tom Green.
The case’s shock-appeal is obvious: the dude had 25 kids by 5 current wives and 10 not-so-current wives. In what is surely a Mensa riddle in the making, 2 of the current wives are sisters, and their mom is an ex. Not surprisingly, the most popular bedtime book at chez Green is the I-can-read-it-myself classic Am I My Mother? (by the author of Go, Dad, Go!), in which a confused baby bird tries to figure out why it was born w/ five beaks.
The courts weren’t as easily amused as those of us sitting in the holier-than-y’all peanut gallery. In what may be the weirdest legal defense since Nero’s "but the fiddle won’t be invented for hundreds of years" testimony, Green claimed to be legally single, and married only in the "eyes of God." The court found Green guilty of 4 counts of bigamy & a single count of dodging child support, and could sentence him to a maximum of 25 years in prison. (That’s a year per kid!) A judge has also ordered God to buy new glasses and promise not to drive after sunset.
Green unsuccessfully argued that his religious beliefs make it OK for a man to take multiple wives, and – delinquent child support payments notwithstanding – he says he’s totally committed to his kooky brood. But a source close to the over-extended extended family says the patriarch is also excited about prison life, adding that Green’s religious beliefs make it OK for a man to take multiple "bitches" inside the big house.
But the strangest part of all this is how Tom Green is the name of both a gross-out bigamist and a gross-out comedian. And the similarities don’t end there. For e.g.: Tom Green The Comedian sickened a entire nation w/ his antics. So did Tom Green The Bigamist!
Furthermore...
Tom Green The Comedian married Drew Barrymore. Tom Green The Bigamist married five women at the same time, including a pair of sisters.
Tom Green The Comedian once humped a dead moose. Tom Green The Bigamist once humped five women at the same time, including a pair of sisters.
Tom Green The Comedian wrote/directed/starred in a movie called Freddy Got Fingered. Tom Green The Bigamist got fingered by an ex-wife for being a deadbeat, and probably has at least a coupla kids named Freddy.
Altho Tom Green The Comedian is in fact employed as a comedian, Tom Green The Bigamist works as a telemarketer. Thru an embarrassing chain of events that left me feeling violated & cheap, I’ve obtained top-secret phone-tap recordings of the latter Tom Green in action:
Unidentified Female: Hello?
Tom Green, Bigamist: Hello! I’ve got a great deal on carpet-cleaning this week!
UF: Sorry, not interested.
TGB: Say, you sound kinda hot!
UF: I’m hanging up now.
TGB: Is your mother home?
Next week: According to the latest in computer "modelling," this is how the other Tom Green would conduct the same phone call: "Hello! I’ve got a great deal on carpet-cleaning this week! Carpet-cleaning! Carpet-cleaning! Kar-pet-klee-ning! Carpet carpet carpet! Cleaning cleaning cleaning! Is your mother home?" |
