| Vincent Price knocks ‘em dead
Theater of Blood (1973): Here it is – the ultimate Vincent Price movie. Although The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) certainly has its fair share of fans (and is similar in many ways), it was really just a warm-up for this frothing doozy of a film.
Think you’ve seen Vinnie overact before? Just wait. Here he plays homicidal Shakespearean actor (!) Richard Lionheart on a Phibes-like rampage, annihilating the London critics who pan his hammy performances. Price must have loved the idea of massacring critics – it’s hard not to share in his glee as each malicious journalist meets his/her gruesome demise. Naturally, a ham actor like Lionheart isn’t going to be content with an uninspired shooting spree – each murder is meticulously planned out, with the disguised Lionheart carefully recreating famous murder scenes from Shakespeare’s Richard III, Macbeth, Titus Andronicus, etc. (There is no murder in The Merchant of Venice, so Lionheart makes one up, prompting the doomed critics to remark "Only Lionheart would have the temerity to rewrite Shakespeare!")
The critics gradually realize that they are being hunted down by Lionheart (who did not die after failing to win the coveted "Critic’s Circle" best actor award, as everybody had been led to believe), but of course they all act stupidly surprised when their numbers come up. (The hairdresser slips off his afro wig to reveal... gasp! Lionheart! You fiend! Let me out of this infernal contraption! etc.) The killer is assisted by his daughter (The Avengers’ Diana Rigg) who frequently conceals her feminine features behind a hilarious porn-star mustache and a big ’fro (Ah, the ’70s...) In my favourite scene, one of the critics goes to a gym to practice his fencing, and comes up against a mysterious and determined opponent (gee, I wonder who that could be?). They fence furiously around the gym, up and down the bleachers, and even while bouncing on trampolines! The only thing that could improve this delirious scene would be to have dialogue during the trampoline duel, so I’ve taken the liberty of inventing some:
(boing)
"Have at thee, rogue!"
(boing)
"Thou son and heir of a mongrel bitch!"
(boing)
"Oh, that this too too solid flesh would..."
(boing)
"...melt, thaw, and resolve itself..."
(boing)
"...into a dew."
(boing)
"I do not bite my thumb at you sir, but I do bite my thumb."
(boing)
"Ow! Damn it! I bit my thumb!"
(boing)
Hee hee hee. I love fight scenes that involve trampolines. Afterwards, the mystery man removes his fencing mask to reveal...gasp! Lionheart! You fiend! Have you no respect for the safe use of gym equipment!?"
The finale is truly a sight to witness, as the last surviving critic is put into a faux King Lear scenario, and Lionheart demands to be awarded the Critic’s Circle best actor award or else he’ll blind the critic with red-hot daggers. Incredibly, the critic refuses to compromise his journalistic integrity, and continues to bay his utter scorn for the madman’s performance, even as the daggers inch closer to his face. Blimey!
Needless to say, this is Price’s show from start to finish. The role gives him carte blanche to go ridiculously over the top, and that’s precisely what he does. It’s a rare treat to watch an interesting actor rev it up to full-blown, don’t-give-a-damn overdrive. If you feel any affection at all for the late Vincent Price, you owe it to yourself to check out Theater of Blood.
Of course, I have to praise him, or else he’ll come back from the dead and kill me. |
