For whom the bell dents
Rejoice, for it is hammer time
Boy-ar-dee, is it ever a ruff/tuff time for world landmarks. First, a coupla chunky Buddha statues went on the Taliban Regime, a rigorous weight-loss program said to make the Scarsdale Diet look like a Coney Island hotdog eating contest. (Consumer alert: Look for the how-to paperback in yr grocery checkout line, just in time for bikini season!) And now the Liberty Bell, the pride of Ph___delp__a (USA), has fallen victim to a man w/ a plan, and a hammer.
According to eyewitnesses, the man began his attack by screaming "God lives on!" (A spokesperson for the Higher Power declined to comment on the vandalism, saying only "Yes, God does indeed ‘live on,’ dude. Thanks for noticing." Then, extending a middle finger, she added, "Up yours, Nietzsche.") The culprit was part of a guided tour of the historic site, and had listened patiently to a short speech ("Like many old things, such as senior citizens, the Liberty Bell does not respond kindly to being tapped w/ hammers. Now, if there aren’t any questions, let’s visit Ye Olde Gifte Shoppe, where I understand they just received a new shipment of Spirit O’ 76 mallets....") before making his dastardly move.
Recognizing a golden opportunity when it sees one, the City of Ph_l_d_lph__ is now claiming the 249-year-old bell was in "mint condition" before the attack, but is now blemished by a large, irreparable crack. "I don’t know what kind of hammer he had," said an unnamed city hall clerk & self-described amateur hammerologist, "but we sure as hell expect to get a new bell. Look at this hunk of junk, it’s ruined." The old, ruined junk-hunk has since been taken down & transported to a scrap yard, where it fetched a pretty penny.
In light of such developments (blowed-up Buddhas, cracked bells), perhaps we (meaning: you) should re-examine the need for such icons – esp. since some dude is going around trying to pick 7 New Wonders Of The World to replace the 7 Wonders Of The Ancient World That Nobody Has Ever Seen Except One. (He’s got a Web site, but I won’t tell you what it is b/c I don’t believe in such beeswax. Besides, his shortsighted short-list – Taj Mahal, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Kremlin, etc. – makes zero mention of the big moose statue outside Moose Jaw. Phuggin’ philistine.) The world does not need 7 more wonders. Why? Because the first 7 were bogus, that’s why. Let’s examine the evidence:
Pyramids of Giza: The only one of the "original 7" still in existence. Compared to the one in Vegas, these decrepit old-timers are waaaaay past prime, and need more’n a coat of paint to get up to snuff. Truth be told, I’m thinking "parking lot."
Hanging Gardens of Babylon: They weren’t even "hanging" gardens at all, but rather a series of (big deal) terraced rooftop gardens... if they even existed at all. Confidential to King Nebuchadrezzar: I’ve got yr "gardens" hanging right here, jerk.
Colossus of Rhodes: From an engineering perspective, it’s simply impossible for a giant bronze/iron statue to straddle the Mandrákion Harbor entrance (one foot on one side, etc.), not to mention the unsightly crotch-shot it would create for ships passing beneath. Conveniently, Colossus "fell victim" (winkety-wink-wink) to an earthquake c. 226 BC, so we can’t challenge the claims.
The remaining 4 wonders: Uh, what were they? A really beyootiful statue of Zeus made of solid chocolate? The Lollipop Forest in Upper Candyland? A seashell that looks like a smiley-face? Spare me the Ancient World inferiority complex & blustery hyperbole, and let’s just admit it: the world is just as crummy today as it was in the never-were "good old days." Trust me, you’ll feel better.
Next week: Double yr income by selling pieces of The Cross on eBay. |
