The making of
Good Listener behind the scenes
Not to toot my own tooter, but yours truly was way ahead of the curve on this reality programming biz. I mean aside from this not being TV. For those of you who’re new to this column, I thought it might be fun to restate Good Listener’s objectives, and for you regular readers (I’ll be home around 6:00, honey) to get a behind-the-scenes peek at this reality column in progress.
The concept is simple. Out in the world most of us don’t pay attention to what’s being said around us. The chatter of other humans is background noise no more engaging than grass growing. I, too, was this way. Then one day in my lab, as I prepared the first installment of something I’d dubbed God Listener (Part One: Joan of Arc), there was a terrible explosion. From that day forth I became acutely aware that people say the most damnable stuff off-the-record. Eavesdropping showed itself as a sort of marketing survey for life. So it began. I do the dirty work and you read the report every month.
Today’s chronicle kicks off from the lap of luxury – the Palliser Hotel lobby. I’ve just walked into the place acting as though I belong here (my fave and perhaps only strategy) and have nestled into a comfy high-back chair where I am pretending to read a copy of this very magazine. Two guys sitting across from me, one in semi-casual attire, the other done up for hiking, do not suspect that I’m tuning in.
"There’s nothing like a salt flush," says the hiker. "Flush you right out. One litre of water and two tablespoons of salt. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug! The salt content of the water is the same as your blood so there’s no osmosis, it’s not converted into urine. You ever swallow any gum? Ha ha! It flushes you right out, goes right through. I know, it’s disgusting stuff to talk about." His friend nods. "You can’t be far away from... it doesn’t take long. Ha ha!" He looks around the lobby. "Actually, I’m doing one now, that’s why I’m sticking around here."
The friend and I are both picturing a certain gushing, antique elevator scene from a certain haunted hotel movie staring Jack Nicholson. Not caring to have my bunny suit sullied, I move on.
Another tack taken in Good Listener is the attending of special events and newsy happenings. Today city transit workers are picketing in front of city hall. I’ll sit on a bench there and, y’know, listen. "Waiting for the bus?" jokes a picketer wearing an A.T.U. On Strike sign.
"Ha ha, I’m on foot today," I reply.
"You guys bus drivers?" asks a guy rolling down the passenger window of a parked truck.
"Oh, no," replies a picketer.
"Work for the city though, eh? Stick it to ’em! 12 percent at least!" Spirits seem high. Cars are honking as the strikers wave.
"Thanks for your support," an excited female striker says to a couple of passing office workers who’ve wished them luck. "We need your support."
Another office gent walking the opposite direction levels his eyes at the pacing strikers, "I’m not supporting you, ya bastards!" I exchange uncomfortable glances with a striker in a dark tuque. If salt water can purge old gum and the like, maybe it’ll work on excess bile? Oh, sir...!
Minutes later I’ve moved my listening post to a local bank. It’s RSP. deadline today. What’re investors thinking? Readers want to know. As I sit in a tiny reception area, everyone there is dead quiet as they await investment counselling. A dark-suited guy with slicked hair approaches a teller. He explains himself in a voice too low to hear. "Yes sir," says the teller. "I remember you from yesterday." Another teller approaches and speaks firmly, "The reason that we closed your account is because something illegal was done with that account." He continues to explain himself in a murmur as the whole bank listens in. "No sir, it doesn’t matter what they did. We closed your account because you did something illegal called fraud." He persists and is taken aside into an office. The door closes.
The conclusion to be drawn from the day’s eavesdroppings is this column’s secret ingredient (two tablespoons of salt will do in a pinch): Retirement savings plan? I thought you said, "Relieve us of our savings, man." And so it goes. Hope you’ve enjoyed this inside look at Listener. Speaking of inside looks, I’m doing one right now. That’s why I’m sticking around here. Later! |
