| Cheese and cookies with the Video Vulture
"We really should rent Arena (1988) sometime. It’s my all-time favourite terrible movie."
"Hmm. Arena, eh? I could bring over my copy, if you want."
"You own it?! Oh, wait a minute – of course you do. You’re the Video Vulture. Silly me. Yes, by all means bring it over. I want to show it to the others."
Thus it transpired that a small weekend gathering at Jeff & Gina’s (ostensibly to check out their new TV-to-PC DVD-drive hookup) became an impromptu screening of Jeff’s favourite B movie. In a rare fit of domesticity, I showed up early and made cookies. (My request for a microwave-safe mixing bowl and a wooden spoon baffled Gina. "Are you going to play a little tune and stick your head in the microwave?" she asked.)
If you’re planning on playing a cheesy sci-fi flick in a room full of smart-alecky friends, Arena really is a good choice. For one thing, the cast includes Babylon 5’s Claudia Christian, as well as two of the aliens from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. (Armin Shimerman and Marc Alaimo are wearing make-up designs so similar to their usual Ferengi and Cardassian get-ups that you’ll recognize them immediately.) Producer Charles Band has a proud history of making imaginative B movies. (He can make a $20,000 budget look like $21,000. Don’t scoff – percentage-wise, that’s one hell of an achievement.) Rubber monsters abound, created by John Buechler, Steve Wang and Screaming Mad George, all of whom are skilled at making cool looking extraterrestrial beasts on a shoestring. Best of all, the plot is so straightforwardly basic that it doesn’t even matter. You can talk incessantly throughout the picture and not worry about missing anything. That’s a good thing, because mocking this picture out loud is one of the best ways to enjoy it.
The story involves buff-but-vacuous Aryan poster boy Steve Armstrong competing in some future version of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Since Steve is the only human competitor, he gets to beat up a lot of latex aliens as the film goes on. Rogor, a sinister crime lord, sends a femme fatale to seduce and poison our hero, but afterwards he just wakes up feeling a little groggy, gives his head a shake and stumbles into the arena a few minutes late. (Has the science of poisoning really gone so far downhill since the age of the Borgias? Or does Steve simply have a Rasputin-like constitution?)
Nonplussed, the chief baddie goes on to Plan B – messing with the Handicapper. (The Handicapper is a device that projects beams of coloured light onto the combatants from the arena’s ceiling. Its effect is supposedly to weaken and/or strengthen the contenders, so as to ensure a fair fight. Without it, an Arcturan Megasaur would probably flatten one of the Gopher people from Meekulon-7 in less than three rounds.)
In front of millions of screaming fans (or at least a good two dozen or so, filmed over and over), Steve goes toe-to-toe against the Galactic champion – a bionic goblin named Horn. The fate of humanity’s self-esteem is resting on Steve’s white-and-gold shoulderpads. Will he prevail? Can he beat Horn? Will anybody notice that the huge red and blue spotlights suddenly got switched off? Oh, the suspense!
A great flick for anybody who thought Rocky didn’t have enough aliens in it. |
