The Triumph of Commonism
Loving, hating and pedaling Chairman Ralph
"I want that book, mom!" A little girl drags one hand across the cover of the Good Listener's new book, Quotations of Chairman Ralph. Her mom pulls her along by the other hand, wearily shaking her head. Why, I wonder, would a kid be interested in such a thing? Looking around, the answer is apparent, the table at which I'm signing these books is right up against a stand loaded with Merry Christmas Teletubbies. The youngster has mistaken one chubby, media-savvy cutie for another.
Like the teletubbies, Premier Klein's face, big and plain on the cover of the book (mine), elicits both groans and delight.
"Ooooh Ralphie," deadpans a neat, white-haired woman as she walks past.
"King Rough, that's what my kids started calling him years ago," explains a woman with several big, Christmas-heavy bags.
"You're not from the East are you?" laughs a woman. Do I look like a creep/bum? "I love Ralph," she grins. Does she follow provincial politics? "No, it just goes in one ear and out the other. I just love Ralph. He's soooo down to earth. And I've lived in Calgary all my life."
"What is this?" demands a dapper and very stern older gentleman. As he fingers a copy, I explain about its being 20 years worth of Klein quotes – humorous, critical, etc. – and ask him whether or not he follows provincial politics. "I was a member for some years," he says curtly. "I was an advisor to the premier (which one he doesn't say) for 18 years. Good luck." This shakes me up. There's no forgetting whose political turf this is.
"This must be tough to sell in Calgary," suggests a woman in a massive parka. She doesn't buy a book.
Next day, in another store, my little table is located in a mall, just outside the entrance to a popular book store.
"Quotations of wha...?" mumbles a man. "What will they come up with next?"
"Are these free?" asks another guy.
"So, is this pro-Ralph or anti-Ralph?" questions the next fellow.
"What's this then?" asks an elderly woman. I explain. "Oh, they're selling it?" she exclaims. I joke back. "What's the world coming to?" Miffed with this facetiousness, she explains, "I thought the government was giving them away is what I meant."
Perhaps I could've avoided all this confusion and over-explaining by having insisted on the use of the book's more explicit working title: The Sexy and Shocking Revelations of Britney Spears, with its subtitle: In The Words of Chairman Ralph.
The next day's signing is in a book mega-store. A number of folks, upon seeing Chairman Ralph, simply need to vent political frustration.
A 60ish man wearing a down vest grips a copy in both hands. "They're getting rebate cheques for $200 in Ontario," he announces loudly. Both Alberta and Ontario have energy rebate plans that include lump-sum cheques. "We get $150. They're getting more than we are. How come we're supposed to be so well off and we get less? And we pay more for our gas. It comes outta the ground here! I think we might say goodbye to Ralph!"
Such talk is quaint in Alberta. More realistically, I'd suggest "good night," cuz Klein'll still be with us tomorrow.
"You must be a socialist," demands a gruff older man. In the course of several signings, there have been surprisingly few "hot" customers. "But we can still be friends," I say. "Not likely," he says, wagging his hand "no."
"You should've called it Quotations of King Ralph because this sounds commonist," says a guy with a red brush cut. "He's not a commonist."
Au contraire mes amis, commonism has long been the man's great selling feature.
Some have made peace with the premier precisely due to his folksy foibles. "I love Ralph," smiles a young guy, "his gaffes are great. At least he does what he says." This is the fifth time in two days I've heard this latter sentiment.
A guy in an army jacket approaches. "Is the definitive statement in there? 'There was no plan'? Tell me it's there." I explain that there is a quote kind of like this, but that it's one uttered by Rod Love, not Klein. "Actually," he confides, "I'm so depressed by politics after Chretien got voted back in. And Klein, I hate the man."
"I understand Klein," says a well-dressed man sporting a neat beard. "He's controlled by the corporations, the UN and the Vatican. They're all part of the World Conspiracy." I sign his book and ask if he's pulling my leg. "Sounds crazy, but it's true!"
With Ralph now a confirmed member of a "commonist conspiracy," the intrigue should help move a few books. Comrade Lemon would approve. |
