FFWD Weekly
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Mr. Smutty by James Martin There’s a clever li’l phrase which helps me remember which way to set my clock (12 hours ahead? or 12 hours behind?) come daylight saving time, but it slips my mind at the moment. Don’t much matter anyway, ’cuz it’s not like I have to get up for a job or anything. And the nurses are pretty good about letting me know when my shows are on, even tho I think they wear my clothes when I’m sleeping. But I digress. Experts agree: yer gonna need something to fill that extra hour. How about politics? As a citizen, it’s yr duty to keep abreast of political goings-on, esp. when they’re funny. A personal fave is the battle raging in N.Alberta between two identically-named MP candidates. John Williams (Alliance Party, incumbent) says he’s the real John Williams. Meanwhile, John Williams (NDP, looks good in a cummerbund) argues that he’s the real John Williams. (Note: neither of ’em wrote the theme from Jaws.) The one J.W. sez the electorate is being tricked into voting for the wrong John Williams, much in the way that I’m always being suckered by those Bruce Li movies every time I go to rent Enter the Dragon. The other John Williams doesn’t have much to say about it, but his mom is hopping mad because John Williams is a perfectly good name. I know that at least one of those John Williams won’t approve of the analogy, but it’s like an Eminem song come to life. ("Will the real [expletive deleted] John Williams please [expletive deleted] stand up?") OK, here’s a more PG e.g. – it’s like that Star Trek w/ the two Capt. Kirks, except these guys don’t look anything alike and they’re not duking it out on an alien landscape. Maybe it’s more like Spartacus, except if Spartacus was cheesed that everyone else was claiming to be him. ("I’m Spartacus." "No, I’m Spartacus." "Shut yr Roman pie-hole, I’m Spartacus." "Dudes, could you keep it down? I’m one sleepy Spartacus and I need my beauty rest.") I’ve seen this kinda thing go down before, once in elementary school & again in the army, so I’m offering my opinion free o’ charge: one of those John Williams needs to switch to a nickname. Not only would it settle the confusion once and for all, it would also be a boss campaign move. Who wouldn’t want to vote for "Johnny W"? ("J-Dub," for short.) What about William Johnson? ("Hi, I’m Bill Johnson, and I’m here to kick John Williams’ sorry behind around the block." Wow! Such confidence! Where do I scratch my "X"?) On the other hand, "John Williams" is a stupid name and both guys should be put in whatever prison gets the people w/ stupid names. In other news, the Vatican has just given the holy thumbs-up (that’s the official term, too – oooh, look at me, I’m the Pope and I speak la-di-da Latin) to doornail-dead Sir Thomas More, making him the patron saint of politicians. About time, what w/ the increasing need for politicians to risk life/limb by clambering on board jet-skis and those little scooters. What happened to the good old days when they could just flip the bird and be done w/ it? Boy, there sure are a lotta patron saints out there: dairy workers (Bridgid of Ireland), lovers (Valentine, natch) and boy scouts (George). (On a medical note: if yr prayers to St. Erasmus, patron saint o’ abdominal pains, don’t pan out, you may find yerself at the mercy of Agatha, p.s. of volcanic eruptions.) I wonder what St. Thomas would think about all this John Williams biz? Would he make ’em armwrestle, or just huck some lightning bolts? Maybe I’ll place an ad in the classifieds and ask him. And if I spring for one of those big ads, I might be able to sell that old couch while I’m at it.

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