FFWD Weekly
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Mr. Smutty by James Martin As a certificate-holding specialist, I am often "called in" to give my professional opinion on matters most tricky. Summer is my busiest time, and it's not unusual to find me adjudicating a pie-eating contest in the a.m., testifying at a Napster hearing during lunch, and settling a neighbourly dispute over property boundaries during the afternoon. All I ask for in return is some milk of human kindness to pour over my cereal. Plus an unchecked expense account. There is, howev, one matter that's sure to rear its oversized head no matter where I am. I could be heaping praise on a jar of award-winning preserves, or rescuing an exotic pet from a garage roof, or conducting surprise inspections of sidewalk lemonade stands (if you only knew what goes on behind kitchen doors, you'd just as soon suckle a fire hydrant) – no matter where I am, someone asks me the inevitable question: "Kind sir, pray tell what is the diff between monkeys and apes?" Experience has taught me the common mind cannot readily grasp scientific nitty-gritty, so I instead give a stock reply: "Much like the difference between espresso and drip coffee, monkeys and apes differ in matters of concentration. Specifically, entertainment concentration. In other words, that which would req an entire planet of apes is easily achieved by a mere barrel of monkeys." I often prescribe an enlightening at-home experiment w/ which to illustrate this point. All of which brings us to today's shocking revelation: flying in the face of longheld beliefs, scientists have now concluded that a suitcase of monkeys is less fun than a barrel filled w/ same. A man was recently detained at the Mad__d airport, after his luggage was discovered to contain three pint-size monkeys (alive). Incredibly, the man had successfully cleared inspections in both Bol_v_a and Fl_r_da, neither of which smiles upon such monkeyshinery. Mad__d officials were not so sloppy, but the man avoided arrest by agreeing to a battery of interviews with scientists specializing in all things monkey. Ever since Chas. Darwin shocked the scientific community w/ his groundbreaking report entitled Our Funny Ancestors (later retitled Origin of the Species by a dour publisher), it has been widely held that monkeys in any concentration are equally fun. Much in the way that esoteric units such as inches rose to public prominence, the "barrel" became the standard measure of monkey-fun – that said, literature is full of references to satchels, valises and old yoghurt containers full of fun-bearing monkeys. Scholars have long read such deviations w/ equal weighting. Not so, says the man collared at the Mad__d airport. The smuggler reveals that, altho he was v. fond of the critters (for the record: two Capuchins and one squirrel monkey), the whole "suitcase incident" was not much fun. "I've smuggled monkeys in barrels before," he wrote in a notarized statement, "and that was just a riot. Especially the time I used an old oil barrel – it greased those rascals up somethin' good. Snugglies and fanny-packs, also really fun. But that suitcase... sweet mother of pearl... that wasn't no fun at all." In other animal news, there are an estimated 9 rats for ev'ry resident of N. York City. Faced w/ this disturbing figure, the city is toying w/ the ideer of using birth control. "If we can reduce our population by one, maybe two million people," said an unidentified city hall employee, "we stand a good chance of having at least 12 rats for ev'ry New Yorker." When asked if controlling rat births would perhaps be a more effective solution, the man screamed, "Viva the revolution!" and scurried into a drainpipe. (Police later identified the so-called "city official" as a mole planted by the rats. This confusing metaphor has since been euthanized, and order once again restored.)

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