FFWD Weekly
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Video Vulture by John Tebbutt After having your teeth drilled, dentists advise their patients to wait a few hours before eating ice cream, having school photos taken, or writing screenplays. Here’s why: · Marathon Man (1976): Regular guy Dustin Hoffman runs afoul of evil Nazi dentist (!!!) Laurence Olivier. What follows is one of the most famous interrogation scenes in screen history, and is extremely uncomfortable to watch. Hoffman squirms in his chair in Olivier’s evil Nazi dentist headquarters, wondering what he’s doing there and trying to figure out what Olivier wants. The doctor slowly makes preparations for his interrogation, giving the impression of a man with infinite patience. He seems perfectly comfortable with the prospect of spending all day here, torturing his captive. Finally, he speaks: "Is it safe?" Hoffman doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We don’t know what he’s talking about. All the poor guy can do is try to answer the question before something really nasty happens. "Yes, it’s perfectly safe," he bluffs. Olivier stares at him, and repeats, "Is it safe?" Uh oh. He didn’t buy it. Say something else... anything else! "No. It’s very dangerous." He doesn’t buy that either. And when Hoffman breaks down and confesses that he honestly doesn’t know, Olivier doesn’t believe him. Then the dental instruments are brought out.... What makes this scene so terrifying is that Hoffman’s character doesn’t have the information that the doctor wants – he has no way to make the pain stop. We don’t know what the Nazi is after, either. That could be us up there. Shudder.... · The Dentist (1996): Dentists are trained professionals who spend a lot of time holding sharp instruments and scrutinizing the tender parts of your mouth. It isn’t pleasant to think about what could happen if your dentist had a nervous breakdown. The makers of this film thought about this long enough to come up with what could be the ultimate worst-case scenario. Corbin Bernsen plays Dr. Feinstone, a decent if somewhat neurotic dentist who discovers (on his wedding anniversary) that his wife is cheating on him. Enraged, he tucks a small handgun into his pants and tries to sneak up on his cuckolder by cutting through a neighbour’s yard. He immediately gets attacked by a guard dog, and (get this) he shoots the dog! Now he’s got to get out of there before the cops show up and arrest him for plugging a Doberman, but he can’t go back home because his wife’s blowing the pool boy. So, he chokes down his rage and goes back to work. Only now his sanity’s slipping away like loose change on a tilt-a-whirl, and his obsession with dental hygiene is quickly becoming fatal for his patients. There are two lessons here: (1) Always floss; and (2) If you’re a dentist, and your morning starts out like Dr. Feinstone’s does, take a goddamn sick day. · Little Shop of Horrors (1986): Who could forget Steve Martin’s song "You’ll Be a Dentist"? Well, just in case: When I was younger, just a baaaad little kid My momma noticed funny things I did Like shooting puppies with a BB gun I’d poison guppies, and when I was done I’d find a kitty cat and bash its head That’s when my momma said (What did she say?) She said "My son, I think someday You’ll find a way To make your natural tendencies pay! You’ll be a dentist! You’ve got a talent for causing things pain Yes you’ll be a dentist! People will pay you to be inhumane!" (Note: the Canadian Dental Association would like to point out that the vast majority of dentists do not ride Harleys, wear black leather jackets, have sadistic tendencies, or get eaten by giant talking plants. Thank you.)

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