FFWD Weekly
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Mr. Smutty by James Martin It's e-z to point fingers at the United States, in that lookit-the-dummies kinda way. Take, for examplification, the L.A. woman who was arrested for walking down the street. It's weird enuff that she was walking in L.A., but it gets even kookier. Locked out of her house, and (say whuh?) nude as can be, the woman found herself in a pickle. (Note for future columns: "..in a pickle" would work better re: naked dude.) She didn't want to expose her naughties, but needed to locate a locksmith – mutually exclusive tasks when yer buck-bottomed bare. Solution? Place bucket on head, then hit the streets in search of help. As any lampshade drunk can tell ya, unconventional headgear is an instant dignity booster. Until smokey busts ya. (Question: if the woman shows up on a future episode of Cops, would they fuzz out her fuzz, or fuzz out her bucket? What about her can?) Yes, Canadians can look down their noses at our friends to the south ("A buddy's poolboy's uncle is a border guard, and he says Americans are always driving up here in July, roof-racks loaded w/ skis. Honest! And they're usually naked, except for buckets"), but we ain't much better. A recent poll revealed that a startling one in ten Canadian adults admits to giving wedgies on a regular basis. (Actually, it's more like one-in-ten-point-oh-four-four-three-one, but I swear it's true any which way you slice it.) This shocking revelation flies in the face of the old "polite Canadians" cliché, and suggests that a Great White North round of Survivor could be a load of ass-crackian laffs. Further proof of Canadian idiocy: only 23% of the 1,516 people surveyed could pass a basic Canuck history quiz. (And "pass" means you can still get almost half the answers wrong.) Let's see how you do on the very same test. Below are samples of the original questions, complete w/ answers so you can grade yr score. Bone chance, mes amigos! Q: In 1759, British troops met and defeated the French army outside Quebec City. What was the name of this epic battle? A: RAW: c'est la WAR. Q: In 1864, colonial representatives first met in PEI to discuss the idea of a federal union of all the British North American provinces. What was the name of this famous meeting? A: The Group of Seven. Q: In 1535, which famous explorer charted the St. Lawrence River? A: Tom Green. Later the same trip, he humped a dead moose and claimed it for France. Q: Many of the original French colonists of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and PEI were forcibly resettled by the British government. What name is used to refer to this dark chapter in Canadian history? A: "Chapter Three: Scram, Frenchy, Scram." Q: Founded in 1812 by the Earl of Selkirk, what agricultural community was the first permanent colony in the Canadian West? A: This one's a bit of a trick question. Altho never formally named, the community's nickname was taken from a crudely-lettered cardboard sign: "B.C. Cherries." Q: After more than a decade of construction and a string of scandals, what great Canadian engineering feat was completed with the hammering of the Last Spike? A: The crucifixion, erroneously attributed to Ancient Rome. Q: Dr. Frederick Banting won Canada's first Nobel Prize for what medical discovery? A: Inspired by a particularly funny joke told in the cafeteria, Dr. Banting discovered that fluids such as milk – altho entering the body thru the mouth – could be forcibly ejected thru the nostrils. In later years, he also worked on a top-secret gov't investigation into the flammability of intestinal gases, "Project: Blue Angel." If you aced the quiz, consider yerself an expert in all things Canadian, as well as charming & goodlooking. If you didn't answer a single question ’cuz yer still thinking about that naked woman wearing a bucket, better luck next time!

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