FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 2000. All Rights Reserved
Music
by Mike BellKiss with Ted Nugent
Wednesday, July 19
SaddledomeSay what you want about old rock stars, but for the most part the one thing they have over their younger contemporaries is the balls to speak their minds, for better or worse. There is no such thing as "off the record."
I mean, if an artist at the beginning of his or her life in the limelight was even an iota as honest or forthcoming as rock veterans Ted Nugent or Kiss’s Gene Simmons, the denials and retractions from management and record companies would come fast and furious in an attempt to defuse the situation and save the career.
Take for example Canadian Alliance poster boy Ted Nugent’s recent comments to an audience in Montreal. Rumour has it that his Nugeness – and remember, he was in la belle province – told the crowd that if they couldn’t speak English then they should leave.
"I think what I said is, ‘If you can’t speak English, get the fuck out of Canada,’ the Motor City Madman cackles maniacally from the Detroit airport.
Seriously?
"Yeah, booby. And if I have to explain, Mike – I know I don’t for you, but for the benefit of the trout – let’s explain it: There is an American dream, there is a Canadian dream I suspect, it eludes me but.... There is a dream of excellence in the heart and soul of every man, is there not? Can it be accomplished if you can’t communicate with your neighbours?
"I looked out there and yeah, there was a couple of make-believe Francos out there going, ‘Oh, oui, oui monsieur, but this is Paris.’ Fuck you and pass the crepes, asshole.
"Bottom line is... it’s only one thing: funny. It’s a rock ’n’ roll show, for God’s sake – I’m not testifying on the House floor here. It’s a fucking Kiss concert, OK? That isn’t Gene’s real tongue, they’re not black-and-white, and he’s not a gargoyle – drive safely. Give me a fucking break."
To play devil’s advocate for a second, I guess the problem that some of those who might be offended by a comment such as Uncle Ted’s have is the fact that other than being known as the crazed guitarist/frontman for the Amboy Dukes and Damn Yankees, he is a very political person. Not only is he on the board of directors for the National Rifle Association and dozens of North American hunting and conservation groups, he’s also a sheriff’s deputy in Michigan and involved with such organizations as Mothers Against Drunk Driving – he insists he’s been clean and sobre for all 52 years he’s spent on God’s green earth – and the Big Brothers and Sisters of America.
"But I’m singing ‘Wang Dang Sweet Poontang,’ for God’s sake," he laughs. "Come on everybody, can we grow up and enter the rock ’n’ roll concert?"
Kiss bassist-firebreather-bloodspitter Gene Simmons agrees with his tourmate, but at the same time avoids any problems The Nuge has faced by remaining completely non-political on and off the stage.
"We will never use Kiss and the platform we have to get up and make a political speech...," says Simmons. "The truth is, the last thing any person, any sane person, should want is a rock star to have any big life truths emanating out of their mouths, because let’s face it, most of us are idiots.
"Which one is the fool, the rock star or you, who actually believes that this guy, who’s not competent to have any other job besides getting up onstage and jumping around and singing silly songs, should now all of sudden talk about whales and the rainforests? Would you please shut up and just be what you’re supposed to be, which is the court jester."
Not that Simmons is anybody’s fool. As you’d expect from someone who’s spent the better part of almost 30-year career donning Kabuki makeup, spandex and platform shoes, he’s comfortable with who and what he is.
But most importantly, he’s comfortable with why, at the age of 50, he’s still the God of Thunder – and, shock of shocks, it ain’t purely for the sake of the music.
"Gee, I don’t think it’s ever been about the music for any band no matter what they tell you. You want to go to the core of it? The reason people get up onstage is they want to get laid. If it was just about the music, you’d stay home and strum for yourself," he says.
"There’s this delusional point of view by people without credentials, which is critics, that there are actually people who get up on that stage and say ‘No, the only reason I do this is for music.’ Oh, really? And the paycheque at the end of the night doesn’t help? You don’t like that?
"Here’s the answer to anybody who just does it for the music: sit down and write a personal cheque for your net worth to Gene Simmons – I’d be happy to make it just about the music."
With the current farewell tour already breaking sales records and a plan to expand the Kiss franchise with more albums, a CBS movie of the week, a mini-series, casino, comic books, etc., it’s doubtful The Demon really needs the money. Sure, he’ll take it from the millions of fans around the world – but only if he feels he’s earned it.
The fans, he’s quick to point out, are the ones who’ve kept his career alive all these years. And the critics? Well, after 30 years he’s learned to dismiss them with as much flippancy as you’d expect from someone with more money than God.
"Always be suspicious of anybody who has an opinion about something if he gets a free ticket," he says.
The Nuge is not only suspicious, he sounds downright paranoid of those who call themselves music critics, labeling them all "liberals" and assuming that the axe they have to grind is because of his outspoken politics and not the music he’s still making. That’s not to say he loses sleep over what they write about him. No, the man – who says he was born middle-finger first – finds the best revenge is to keep on returning and proving them wrong.
"I cause these liberal, anti-gun, anti-hunting writers – which are everywhere by the way – to absolutely shit blood," he says. "They find themselves in an emotional clusterfuck trying to counter the effectiveness of my pro-family, pro-responsibility, pro-Constitution, pro-American, pro-individualism message... that they stumble over themselves trying to counter it.
"And years later I will be back to another standing ovation with cheering, smiling, overt positive energy and we’ll have a new writer because their dishonesty will catch up with them. Meanwhile, 38 years later, my honesty continues to fuel me."
The Nuge on crime and punishment
"I think if you are a convicted felon you should be regulated from guns and automobiles and shopping. If you’re a convicted felon, go where felons are, not where good people are. Felons belong behind bars forever.
"Yeah, I believe that rehabilitation is possible if this judicial system both in Canada and America would get tough when children show their evil side. Nip that motherfucker in the bud with an oil-soaked two-by-four....
"When my kids fuck up as young children, they get the wrath of dad. And guess what? My children are the most law-abiding, generous, conscientious, caring people in the world. As I am."
The Nuge on the NRA
"That’s what the NRA is, it’s moms and dads and sons and daughters who believe that God gave us not only the right but the moral obligation to stop evil. And you can’t do that with 9-1-1 and a middle finger. Sometimes you have to neutralize the evil, and I recommend a Glock."
The Nuge on his gun collection
"(I have) hundreds and hundreds and hundreds – and I love every damn one of them."
The Nuge on his current tour
"You gotta see my rhythm section. Motown wishes, James Brown wishes, Sam and Dave, Wilson Pickett wishes they were this dirty and black. We are the funk brothers, soul brothers, blood brothers motherfuckers and we just happen to be up your ass.
"We’re literally ripping heads off and shitting down necks on a nightly basis."
The Nuge on his fans and detractors
"You know who likes me? People who have jobs. You know who hates me? People who are on the receiving blood-sucking line of welfare pimps and whores. Those are the people who don’t like me because I tend to interfere with the pipeline of their handouts. People with jobs understand that I’m just a working-hard, playing-hard sonuvabitch and I put my heart and soul in every damn thing I do, especially when it involves hard-earned dollars from people who pay to see what I do.
The Nuge on his detractors: Part II
"(One critic) claimed the performance of a certain song was lifeless and plodding.... During a bad case of terminal diarrhea I’m not as lifeless and plodding as much as these liberal cocksuckers are at the peak of orgasm."
Gene Simmons on grunge
"Seattle, the city, of course, that killed rock ’n’ roll, that gave us a whole generation of guys that looked like Paul Bunyon’s children who just came from a mountain expedition chopping trees, who got up onstage and started strumming guitars. The biggest insult to the spectacle of rock ’n’ roll. All of a sudden you get guys that look like pizza-delivery boys strumming guitars.
"But thank God that’s dead and gone. People came to their senses at the end of the day and if these rock stars didn’t end up killing themselves, the people just basically said, ‘You know what, even if you’re alive and haven’t committed suicide, get the fuck off the stage, we’ve had enough.’"
Gene Simmons on his current (and God’s honest last) tour
"There’s enough power on that stage to compete with most Third World countries, and there’s enough noise coming off that stage to drop five pounds off of any fat girl within a thousand yards of that stage. And I mean that in the nicest way."
Gene Simmons on life
"Life should be about the word ‘more.’"
Gene Simmons on how he wants to die
"Being suffocated by very large breasts."
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