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CD Reviews by Mary-Lynn McEwen ALICE COOPER Brutal Planet EMI B.B. KING AND ERIC CLAPTON Riding with the King Reprise IAN ASTBURY Spirit/Light/Speed Beggar’s Banquet ALL Problematic Epitaph All right, fellahs, listen up. Consider this an intervention from a concerned friend, and try not to take it too personally. You guys have all been in the business a long time, long enough that your mascara is starting to frighten your great grandchildren. And guess what? I know you’ve all built up fans based on your unique styles, but sometimes you don’t need to toss those riffs, vocals and ideas into the recycle bin again – you need to toss them in the trash. Let go of it, already – there’s only so many ways you can dice the same fruit in the same blender before all you’re left with is pulp. Yeah, I know, this is not an easy thing to do, so I’ve started a program for you: Rock Stars Anonymous. Step 1: Admit that your are powerless over your egos and past glories, that your lives have become unmanageable. Step 2: Everyone take a good look in the mirror and say "Hope I die before I get old." Now repeat it until you mean it. Step 3: Christ, Eric and B.B., lose the Cadillac and the big cream-fed, cheese-eating grins. The only place you’re driving anyone is to an early menopause. Step 4: While we’re at it, let’s chuck a few other things into the trash can I’ve provided to help you remove temptation. C’mon, everything in – that’s right All, you go first, get rid of your confoundedly repetitive harmonies and phony teenaged angst. Oh, good for you, Alice, your makeup, your snake, your Rob Zombie complex – yes, dear, even your pantyhose. And Ian – have you considered therapy? You’ve been having devils and witches and wild running through your dreams for 15 years now; ditch those lyrics! Step 5: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves – for help, see step 2. Step 6: Admit to God, to yourselves and to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs – no, Eric, despite what the hippies said, you’re not God. Oh, you’re not sure about the exact nature of your wrongs? Try listening to Wilco, Neko Case, The Hydromatics, or Murder City Devils – consider them your new role models. Now, to finish your 12 steps, repeat steps 1 to 6 again. And again. And if you’re not able to make a full recovery, at least doing these steps will help keep you away from the studio and outta our hearing range for a while. Collective rating pooled between all four albums: 1

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