FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 2000. All Rights Reserved
Splice
by FFWD StaffKids today. If they’re not out raving all night hopped up on that ecstasy stuff, they’re out behind the school listening to rap music (more like crap music), smoking reefer and even, sometimes, mary jane. No wonder the world is going to h-e-double hockey sticks in a hand-basket faster than you can say "The Good Lord hates hippies, queers and communists."
Thankfully the Calgary Police Department is looking out for us. The boys and girls in blue recently distributed the spring 2000 issue of Police Advisor (Volume 6, Issue 1) inside The Calgary Sun – the only newspaper for right-thinking, regular Christian folk like you and I. The publication has all sorts of tips to keep you and your family safe from all of them drug-crazed parolees that the politicians let roam the streets after only a slap on the wrist and two weeks inside the government-funded Holiday Inns they call jails (and they want to take our guns away!).
Besides the excellent feature on how to stop graffiti goofs from destroying the natural beauty of our buildings and inner-city structures, there are two pages devoted to helping stamp out the demon weed, marijuana. Apparently Alberta-grown "pot," as it’s called on the streets, is world famous. (Nothing to be proud of, I assure you – The Olympics, now there’s something to toot our horn about!)
The most helpful part of the article is the lists on a) how to spot a marijuana grow operation in your community and b) signs that someone is under the influence of pot (although it’s pointed out that some of the signs may also be symptoms of a serious illness). As a special service to you, the reader, here are some selected clues and signs:
Clues to grow operations:
· basement windows that have been covered up, possibly with... curtains
· people hauling materials or garbage in and out of buildings and property
· an unusual skunky smell
· heavy use of air fresheners
Signs of marijuana use:
· glazed or glassy eyes
· dazed look
· odour similar to burnt leaves
· acting lost or confused
· hallucinations
· change in friends
· becoming suddenly rebellious
Use them wisely, inform on your neighbours, and remember kids, dope’s for dopes.
Web Watch
The human race is a pretty ingenious species, and over the last couple of centuries the world has become a better place because of inventions such as telephony, penicillin, the electric light bulb and the Ass-Kicking Machine.
While not as well-known as inventions such as the wheel or the aqueduct, the world’s only Ass-Kicking Machine is a marvel of science nonetheless. Invented by Robert P. Booth of Wirtz, Virginia, the machine consists of a six-foot waterwheel cut from plywood which is driven by a stream of water propelled by an submersible electric pump. Add one seven-foot-long two-by-four and a used green suede tennis shoe and you’ve got one masterpiece of ass-kicking.
Created in 1988, Robert P. Booth boasts that the machine is able to deliver 100 ass-kickings per minute, making it vastly more useful than anything Ron Popiel ever invented. To find out more about the world’s only Ass-Kicking Machine, including directions on where to find it, visit:
www.fred.net/turtle/asskicker/asskicker.html
Free Stuff
Jazz: The Fire of Creation series runs until June 9 at The Banff Centre for the Arts. Win a pair of tickets to the June 3 performance featuring Kenny Werner, Judi Silvano, Hugh Fraser, Dave Douglas, Joey Baron and Joe Lovano in collaboration with resident jazz musicians, plus one night's stay at the Banff Centre. See ad for details.
Fast Forward and CBC Radio One are giving songwriters a chance to perform live on CBC Radio's The Key of A, and to get three of their songs on the CBC P2K Compilation CD. See ad for details.
Relive the ’80s with the music of Duran Duran in Mind the Walrus's latest production, Pride & Prima Donnas, an outrageous comedy running until May 27. To win, e-mail us at info@ffwd.greatwest.ca with your name and number. Winners will be contacted by May 23.
Gladiator? You bet I am! The Plaza Theatre in Kensington presents the orginal gladiator movie, Spartacus, this holiday weekend. We have double passes for the Sunday and Monday matinees. See ad for details.
Fu Manchu and Nashville Pussy will be storming into the MacEwan Hall Ballroom at the U of C on Saturday, June 3 – you could win a pair of tickets to the show plus their latest CDs. See ad for details.
Win a VIP prize package from The Roxbury, including tickets to see live entertainment and a martini gift certificate. Just drop by Fast Forward on Friday, May 19 with a donation to the food bank.
(Free stuff can be picked up on Friday unless otherwise noted. There will be one item per person, and only those who have not won in the past four weeks, excluding movie passes, are eligible. Office hours are 9 a.m. to noon and 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. weekdays.)
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