FFWD Weekly
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Film by Julie Pithers Battlefield Earth STARRING: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker DIRECTED BY: Roger Christian I was feeling powerless and vulnerable, like my life was out of control. And then like an angel it appeared before me. I could be who I am destined to be. L. Ron knows all about it. He’s made mountains out of men and women, and he’s going to do it for me, too. I sat through his training film and it was all spelled out. Oh sure, it’s glitzed up for the kids – space ships, explosions, big battles – but in the end, it’s about being all I can be and discovering as much as possible about my enemy’s weaknesses. The enemy, of course, is anyone who tries to stop me, L. Ron or The Church. The enemy has been lucky so far, but we are rising up – just like in the training film, auspiciously called Battlefield Earth. There are these humans who are on the verge of becoming extinct because these mean, small-minded, ham-fisted aliens, the Psychlos, have destroyed Earth and made the natives slaves. But what the weasel aliens don’t know is that with a little insight into how their world works, humans will rise again. As an example of this, Battlefield Earth has a bunch of Bronze Age men going from eating twigs and rocks to splitting the atom like regular little Oppenheimers by the end of the film. Wow! I was impressed. In the end it’s all about leverage – maybe a little blackmail or a threat or something. In fact, leverage is the weapon we will use against the infidels, including Hollywood studio moguls who might try to cut us out of the action. In the training film, the evil Psychlo, Terl, is played campily by John Travolta, L. Ron’s heir to the kingdom (unless the prophecy comes true and the dark prince Tom Cruise challenges him). Anyway, Terl uses leverage all the time. Only he uses it for crappy reasons like self-preservation and profit. Whereas, Barry Pepper plays what the Psychlos call Man-Animal (they could have called them Manimals, but some of the people destined for the lower end of our pyramid might not get it) and Barry uses leverage for good self-preservation and future potential for profit. Any time Barry starts to feel like he might not survive, the other Man-Animals start to show that they really get what he’s talking about, even though he’s the only one who gets firsthand information from the Psychlos. Luckily, even though the Man-Animals have spent the last 200 years wearing furs and living in tents, once they have been properly informed, they really pick up on technology and embrace the future with it. Why, one particularly slope-browed fellow who started off as a cattle-herder ended up as an F-18 pilot. "Well, what the hell is stopping me?" I cried as the credits ran with names I’d never heard of. Though I’m sure to find out, since I am hopping on the next flight to L.A., where I can empty my pockets and my useless old brain in the Celebrity Centre, where L. Ron can see me from where ever he is now. Ron bless you all.

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