FFWD Weekly
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Mr. Smutty by James Martin This just in from ScienceWorld Laboratories: Laughter, once thought to be the best medicine, has been replaced by nudity. This shocking revelation has sent shockwaves thru the editorial offices of Reader's Digest, and has many hospitals considering drastic revisions to their entertainment policies. Health care plans, usually pillars of strength during troubled times, have been turned ass-over-tea-kettle. For more on this breaking development, we must travel across the pond to... ...merry olde Great England where a group of middle-aged women have rocked the medical establishment w/ a life-giving "nudie" calendar. Despite the popularity of films such as The Full Monty and Elizabeth, Queen of the Jaybirds, the English are not usually known for embracing nudity. I mean, aside from running naked pictures in the daily newspapers. This keep-it-decent policy goes double for members of so-called "ladies brigades," those quintessentially British groups of prim/proper women who are renowned for good deeds and even better scones. "Baking not baring," that's their motto. Or should we say it was their motto. All bets (and pants) are now off, faster than you can say "bottoms up." One such group of ladies, whom we'll just call "The Brigade," has posed for a pin-up calendar which many believe may lead to exciting break-thrus in cancer research. The reason behind the sudden nakedification involved one member's husband's losing battle w/ leukemia. The following quotes, altho completely fabricated, should help fill in any "blanks" you may have, confused reader: "He wasn't responding to traditional treatments," said the woman of her failing husband. "We tried chemo and Filipino psychic surgery, but nothing helped. Then I remembered how much of a horny hedgehog he was. I joked that a nudie calendar might make him feel better. His doctor agreed w/ great enthusiasm, but warned we must act fast." An emergency meeting was held, and The Brigade decided that naked pictures were needed, and chop-chop. A photographer was hired, wine was consumed, and the straight-as-an-arrow housewives doffed it all. In keeping w/ their squeaky-clean domestic reputation, all bits & pieces were cleverly concealed behind strategically-placed pots & pans. In a miraculous development eqiuv. to that found at a Fatima or a Lourdes, the ailing hubby began feeling "a whole bunch" better after seeing his wife and all her friends naked. He even joked that he "would've developed leukemia years ago" if he'd known it'd be "so much fun." Sev'ral other husbands, who had mysteriously come down w/ leukemia-like symptoms shortly afterward, also benefited from the calendar's healing properties. (They're all fine now, but are undergoing strict regimes of preventative treatment.) "I usually only buy calendars for the lunar cycles and holidays," says one respected physician. "But this one is something special. I've got a bum knee from playing college basketball, but Miss May makes it feel much better. As a medical professional, I urge everyone to throw away their healing crystals and copper bracelets, and embrace the regenerative qualities of 'tastefully done' boudoir photography." In a daring move, a detergent company has since hired The Brigade women to pose au naturel for a series of billboards. "We're taking a real risk here," says an unnamed spokesperson for the unnamed company. "Speaking from an advertising standpoint, sex doesn't generally work. I mean, I like it just fine, but the general public has complicated tastes. We could very easily – pardon the pun – lose our shirts w/ this deal. But we believe in the power of positive thoughts, we believe in miracles, we believe in hope. We think we've got a real winner here, you sexy thangs. Uh, from a purely medical standpoint."

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