FFWD Weekly
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Video Vulture by John Tebbutt This week, celluloid’s most dangerous women compete in the ultimate Femme Fatale Battle Royale. The Combatants · Bridget Gregory from The Last Seduction · The 50-foot Woman · Chesty Morgan from Double Agent 73 · G.I. Jane · Hundra · Varla from Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! · Sarah Connor from T2 · Ripley from the Alien movies Let the battle commence! Round One · Hundra vs. Bridget Gregory: With rousing battle music blaring, Hundra alights from her horse and strikes a defiant pose with her sword. Supremely unimpressed, Bridget smiles thinly and sashays up to the fur-clad warrior, who hesitates at the thought of slaying a fellow woman. With one lightning-fast motion, Bridget whips out a can of mace and sprays it down Hundra’s throat. Hundra collapses, twitching and gagging while Bridget steps over her fallen foe. "What an idiot," she sneers. · Varla vs. Agent 73: Before either of the outrageously top-heavy contenders can get close enough to use their hands, Chesty bludgeons Varla in the head with her ample bosom. The impact causes her surgically-implanted camera to go off, giving us an advantage. Chesty closes in for her famous smother hold. Varla executes a quick nipple-twist, followed by a judo sweep, freeing herself and leaving the cantilevered spy sprawling on the ground. Jumping into her Porsche, Varla runs over the unable-to-get-up secret agent nine times. · G.I. Jane vs. The 50-Foot Woman Jane gets stepped on. What the hell else did you expect? · Sarah Connor vs. Ripley: Ripley slowly creeps through the corridors of her eerily-silent spaceship while the camera provides close-ups of her frightened, sweaty face. Suddenly, Sarah Connor bursts out through an air duct, disarming Ripley and jamming a blue syringe in her neck. "There’s 47 bones in the human body!" Sarah shrieks. "Or maybe there’s more. I’m not sure, I left my biology textbook back on Earth. But you get the idea! Take me to the escape hatch! Move!" Ripley co-operates, but as they begin to approach the exit, she carefully reaches out and pulls a concealed lever, slamming the door shut on her captor’s arm. While Sarah tries to pull herself free, Ripley climbs into a powerloader to finish the fight. "Okay bitch, it is on!" cackles Ripley. Unfortunately, at that moment a slimy alien embryo bursts out of her chest. Ms. Connor wins by default. Round Two: Semi-Finals · Sarah Connor vs. The 50-Foot Woman: Sarah speeds off in a stolen security van while blazing away at the pursuing behemoth with a variety of firearms. The van crashes spectacularly. Emerging completely unharmed from the smoking wreckage, Ms. Connor tries to lure The 50-Foot Woman into a network of electrified high-tension wires. "What are you waiting for?! C’mon, come get me! I’m right here!" she taunts. "What am I, stupid?" snorts the giant, before picking up a house and hurling it. Splat! The winner does a spirited victory dance, registering 7.9 on the Richter scale. · Bridget vs. Varla: Bridget tries the mace trick again, but can’t get close enough to her opponent’s face, due to excessive boobage. Bloodlust lights up Varla’s eyes and she beats Bridget, unaware that a nearby unhooked telephone is broadcasting the sounds of the battle to police. Within seconds, the cops arrive. It takes four constables, a police dog and an electrified cattle prod to take Varla down, after which she is whisked off to prison. As soon as nobody’s looking, Bridget stops pretending to be hurt, stands up and sneers, "What an idiot." Final Round · Bridget vs. The 50-Foot Woman: Receiving an anonymous tip that her husband is fooling around with a floozy named Bridget Gregory, The 50-Foot Woman goes stomping out into the terrified city, bent on revenge. Arriving at the alleged love nest, she rips the roof off. Instead of her husband, there’s sirens, helicopters and hundreds of armed men. The building is an army compound. Ms. 50-Foot Woman is captured and charged not only with destruction of military property, but also with the embezzlement of $730,000 that mysteriously disappeared from her place of work. Meanwhile, across town, Bridget Gregory hangs up the phone and begins counting a huge pile of money. "What an idiot," she sneers.

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