FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 2000. All Rights Reserved
Good Listener
by Ian DoigThe Good Listener has an evil twin. While Yours Truly utilizes perfectly legal eavesdropping methods, i.e. hanging around in public places listening to folks candidly shooting off their big yaps, the Spacewürm records cellular and cordless telephone calls across the U.S.A. on a modified police scanner – not legal. As such, his work and real identity do not share a common mailing address.
His book, i listen: a document of digital voyeurism, is little more than straight transcription. "The people that I listen to are the real artists, not me," he explains. His editing job, however, is masterful, with dozens of full and partial conversations painting a dark societal picture bound to leave the most open of minds believing that western civilization really is careening down the dumper.
"People are genuinely deviant – more deviant than I thought," says the Spacewürm. In his experience the airwaves are bristling with talk of drug use and kinky sex. He’s come to accept this as normal and reassures that deviance is "okay."
"It’s 100 per cent real and that’s the attraction," says he. Keeping the dirty stuff down to a tasteful dull roar, i listen focuses on the beauty of real conversation. The opening chapter stars Richard and Tracy, a recently split couple unable to completely sever their loveless relationship or stop arguing. It’s touching and pathetic.
Tracy: Now, I have offered you... and... uh... uhhhhhh... ohhhhh... oh you’re gonna make me do something that... ohhh... you’re gonna be sorry Richard, you’re gonna be soooo, you guh... ahhh... [she hangs up].
Richard: [softly] I am sorry Tracy.
But like I was saying, the Good Listener would never tap into a private convers.... OK, there was this once. When Listener was but a lad, certain farm-bound relatives were on the party line system. That is, several farms in their area were literally on one phone line – the ringing and the calls themselves could be heard in each household. The number of rings would indicate whom should answer. Needless to say, other people’s calls were strictly off limits – no listening in!
One afternoon I found myself alone in the house. The phone rang for one of the neighbours. Naturally curious, I picked up the receiver and listened in. It was a teenaged couple.
He: You remember that problem I was telling you about yesterday, I was sweating too much?
She: Oh, yeah.
He: It’s worse today.
Gently replacing the receiver, it would be a long time until I again exhibited curiosity as to other people’s private conversations. Their lives sounded even more boring than my own.
Another legal listening-in fave is the police. Back in the day, a Realistic Patrolman-3 was the civilian’s ticket to ride along. Local police are no longer regularly accessible – something to do with scrambling messages to prevent criminal interception. According to the Spacewürm, it’s no loss. "When I listen to (cops) on the police bands, everything’s so sterile and cold. But whenever I get a call at their homes, it’s interesting to hear the bullshit they encounter."
Here’s a snippet.
Officer One: "I mean, he did something he shouldn’t have done on duty, but this girl had got through the cracks, she was trolling, and it’s a real danger, especially if they’re in the hiring process for any city job, especially police. They’re gonna have you by the granolies."
Officer Two: "Yeah."
For the rest of us law abiders there’s www.policescanner.com, featuring real live police radio traffic from New York, Los Angeles and other cities.
Dallas Police Dept - Thursday evening
Officer One (female): 4-14 to 4-35. Check out Dorrington and uh....
Officer Two (male): 10-4. Appreciate it. (Unintelligible) an unknown female knocking on complainant’s door asking to call police.
Officer One: 4-12 clear one. (unintelligible with bleeps)
Officer Two: 4-63
Officer One: 2-48 I’ll be in your bum.
Officer Two: 4-63
Officer One: yeah I wanna... (bleep)
Officer Two: 7-9 In traffic.
Now I may be hearing things but... did she say...? A possible scenario:
Officer Two: Boy, I sure am enjoying this cup of coffee at the corner of Dorrington and Uh. Officer O’Malley was supposed to meet me around here somewhere... now where did she say she’d be? (Muffled sound of police siren)
Officer One: Hey, I’ve been waiting here for half an hour! I think you need to cut back on the crullers.
Officer Two: Ha ha, very funny. Why can’t you just park it at the curb like everyone else?
(i listen is published by Incommunicado Press and is available at Books ’n’ Books.)
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