FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 2000. All Rights Reserved

Mr. Smutty by James Martin In the criminal justice system there are two sides: the people who do stuff, and the people who have stuff done to them. This is their story. Except all names have been disguised, as have some of the facts and all of the truth. And forget about a moral. "Tagging" has become quite the problem in big cities. Some call the act (that is, writing one's "street name" or "handle" on public property) 100% pure artistic expression. One need only look at a Haring or a Basquiat to see the link between subway car & swank art gallery. On the "pro" side, were it not for tagging, neither of the aforementioned artists would be the wealthy, dead celebrities they are today. On the "con" side, graffiti takes a long time (if ever) to appreciate in value. Just ask my next-door neighbour, who's been vainly trying to sell his "Grad ’77" garage door on eBay. (The funny part is that I technically didn't even really graduate.) Last spring, detectives were called to the typical N_w Y__k C__y apartment of a typical family. The victim, a brand-new mom named L___a G__z, had recently made a shocking discovery: the letters "A.Z." had been somehow, sometime carved into her abdomen w/ surgical precision. The woman insisted she had never before had "A.Z." appear on her abdomen, offering beach vacation snapshots as evidence. The woman's husband, an unemployed calligrapher, was brought in for questioning but released upon supplying handwriting samples. The couple's infant daughter, nicknamed "Zeppelin Rules" because of an unusually detailed birthmark on her forehead, was never a suspect. A trail of breadcrumbs led the detectives to Ms. G__z's obstetrician, one Dr. A___n Z____n, known to his friends as "A.Z." The doctor had previously performed a caesarean section on Ms. G__z. (According to sources at C-Span, he received a C-note for the C-section, despite having maintained a C-minus average thru-out med school. A spokesperson for the C-Plus beverage company refused to comment on the matter.) Police obtained a search warrant for the doctor's home, where they seized several monogrammed shirts. Needless to say (but I'll say it all the same), the ensuing trial was a media circus. Defense lawyers argued that, much in the way it is common for women to experience postpartum depression, they can also spontaneously develop initial-like growths on their abdomens. The defense team also called sev'ral surprise witnesses, including a so-called "friend of the family," who testified that the victim's husband had an alphabet fetish and had once drunkenly confided, "I think ish kin'a shexy." The doctor himself took the stand, offering suggestions as to who really carved the initials. His fingerpointin' speculation cast a large net, including the entire marketing dept. of the Alabama Zoo, as well as Arnold Zoinks, Abigail Zowee and Arthur Zippy, none of whom are real people. All was lost, however, when a subsequent witness discovered the phrase "I was here, but now I'm gone, I left A.Z. to turn you on" carved into the witness box. The judge, still irate over someone writing "...and just ass for all" on his gavel during the lunch break, ordered Dr. A___n Z____n to come clean. The doctor admitted that, indeed, it was he who carved the letters into the woman's abdomen, but he only did it because he was proud of how he caesar'd that particular section. As punishment for his crime, the judge ordered the doctor to write out the phrase "I will not deface patients' bellies, but if I do I'll at least be smart enough to use a colleague's initials" 1000x. Spraypaint in hand, he carried out his sentence in the alley behind the courthouse, and is once again considered a productive member of society.

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