FFWD Weekly
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Rant & Rave by Julie Vincent This correspondence, written on behalf of intelligent filmgoers everywhere, is addressed to the father and daughter who sat behind us at Any Given Sunday and to the couples at Magnolia, The Green Mile, Man on the Moon and nearly every film we've seen in the last year, who are oblivious to the fact that they are not in their own homes watching a rented video. For some incomprehensible reason, these insensitive, impolite and uneducated louts carry on in such a fashion that we must suffer their inane and constant chatter during the film whilst being incessantly jostled by their knees hitting the back of our chairs and their feet poking the bottom of our seats. Somehow, my partner, who is six feet four inches tall, can sit quietly and comfortably through even long films, and I, who make my living communicating, can watch a movie in silence. Yet these leagues of semi-humans must fill the seats nearest us. For all of those people, here are the rules of filmgoing: 1) Shut up. Contrary to what you think (if you are at all capable of thinking), we did not pay $8 – or $5 on cheap night – to listen to your play-by-play commentary on the film. The simple fact that you talk during a film is testament that you are NOT the expert you think you are. If you must talk, either stay home and watch sitcoms, where the dialogue requires minimal attention, or find yourself a corner well away from anyone else. The bathrooms will do fine and there is that nice reverb to intensify the sound of your voice, which you seem to like hearing so much. Or – and this may be a novel idea to most of you – save your discussion of the film until AFTER you leave the theatre, and actually pay attention while you're there. 2) Keep your feet and knees off our chairs. If you cannot sit still, stay home on your couch where you can stretch out and be the couch potato you've always aspired to. The one film we enjoyed without interruption from babbling Bubbas and antsy Annies was Toy Story. Let me quantify that: the children in attendance paid attention, sat still and completely outperformed the adults in the category of manners. 3) Go to the bathroom before you get to your seat. We do not want our view of exciting or important scenes obscured by your badly clad back-end passing directly at eye level, thank you. What kind of adult cannot make it through a two-hour film? Grow up and go potty before you come into the theatre. And wash your hands while you’re at it! I hope this will make an impact on some of you. However, if not, please be forewarned that next time you sit behind us and ruin our movie experience, we will take loud and immediate action to shut you up and/or make you sit still. If our "suggestions" have no immediate effect, we will take full advantage of theatre staff and have you thrown out into the great outdoors where noisy bovines belong. Thank you for the soapbox.

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