FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1999. All Rights Reserved

Mr. Smutty by James Martin "Child star, you've reached the end of the road" sang Ron Sexsmith back in ’97. "They only wanted you/ When you were good as gold." Not so, Ronboy! Forget that gold-is-good stuff, we the people love our child stars even more after they've wrecked their lives beyond repair. Don't believe me? Take the following test, smart-guy. What would you rather see: (a) Danny Bonaduce pretending to play bass w/ his Partridge clan, or (b) Danny Bonaduce getting firsthand life experience w/ a transvestite hooker? Pick yr poison: (a) Gary Coleman pretending to live in a rail station locker (On The Right Track, 1981), or (b) Gary Coleman selling used cars to pay for some very real kidney dialysis? Which turns yr crank the mostest: (a) Todd Bridges pretending to "suck face" w/ a teenage Janet Jackson on a soundstage-cum-deluxe-apartment-in-the-sky, or (b) Todd Bridges shooting up at an honest-to-goodness crackhouse? What gets yr juices flowing: (a) Emmanuel Lewis feigning affection for a gridiron cracker & his fashion-plate wife, or (b) Emmanuel Lewis and Marc "Skippy" Price soldiering thru five minutes of Abbot-and-Costello-Meet-The-Ghost-Of-Irony standup on Open Mike? If you answered "b" to any/all of the above, yer a five-car-pileup-rubbernecker and genuine creep – just like the rest of us! Don't get me wrong, Melrose Place was an excellent show, but God writes the sleaziest (read: very most bestest) scripts of ’em all. Ripe w/ tarnished innocence and chockablock w/ s-e-x, The Dana Plato Story couldn't have pandered more to popular taste: the Las Vegas video store hold-up (using a pellet gun, no less), the forged Valium prescrips, the Playboy spread, the suicide and ensuing legal battle over Plato's motorhome-slash-deathbed... the only thing missing is a Celine Dion power ballad soundtrack. Anyway, let's lose the sordid details and take a minute to remember Dana Plato's film legacy: Different (sic) Strokes (1997). Also known as either Jack & Jill or the more ooh-la-la Jack & Jill... and Jill, this flick features Plato (one of the title's two "Jills") in a softcore love triangle of isosceles proportions. Conrad Bain is nowhere to be seen, but there's more than enough of "the other bald man," if you know what I'm saying. Yes, there is a DVD director's cut. Blade Boxer (1997). Plato is Rita, an L.A. cop who infiltrates the deadly underground world of "blade boxing," steel-talon cage matches pitting human against human in mortal combat. Makes lunch w/ Rosie and Magnum P.I. look like a waltz in the park. Compelling Evidence (1995). Dana Fields (Dana Plato) is an unscrupulous tabloid reporter drawn into a murder case involving Hollywood's biggest action hero. But things prove to be not as they seem when Fields (Plato) uncovers some "compelling evidence." Bikini Beach Race (1992). Plato stars as J.D., a daredevil hydroplane pilot recruited by four zany college kids to join their bed race team. Wearing bikinis & lingerie, the team hustles to beat the odds – and the Mafia! – in a sizzling, saucy, sex-o-rific "bikini beach race." Also released as The Sex Puppets. High School U.S.A. (1983). It's all all-out war between nerds and jocks at a fun-filled everyschool. So uncannily close to yer own laff-a-minute school days that you could just come right out and call it "high school U.S.A." Also starring Michael J. Fox and a dancing robot. Made for TV, back in the day when quality was job 1. And let's not forget Return To Boggy Creek (’78) and Plato's uncredited turn as "Sandra" in The Exorcist II: The Heretic (’77). Yep, child stars can be a real handful. I hope Tootie's doing OK.

| Back To This Issue Table of Contents | Back To Main Index |