FFWD Weekly
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Mr. Smutty by James Martin Songs are fun to mock, and so is goodwill. ("Breast feed the world," anyone?) Sue Cassidy (wife of dreamboat David) has organized a Kosovo refugee benefit record, as sung by 20,000 ordinary folks. Starting from NYC, a mobile recording studio will travel across the continent capturing the sweet sounds of average Joes/Josephines singing "Message To The World." Then a few stars (Alice Cooper, Wyclef Jean, Dogstar Featuring Keanu Reeves) will be added to the mix so people will actually buy the thing, and presto! it's a "Tears Are Not Enough" for the new millennium. (The lyrics are available online or on David Cassidy's self-titled 1990 album.) But what would a good deed be w/out some heartless idiot wrecking it? Don't be apathetic: that heartless idiot can be you. In the fine Christmas concert tradition of "Jingle bells / Batman smells," I offer the following modified lyrics for you to sing when the mobile recording unit rolls into your town. In the opening verse ("Tonight no words are spoken / There's no one here to blame"), go for a self-reflexive deviation along the lines of "I liked The Partridge Family / But man this song is lame." And instead of "We all have that cross to bear and / I just can't hide my shame," try something like "In the woods I crossed a bear / And Smoky was his name." Or you can follow Bob Dylan's lead (as heard on "We Are The World," 1985) and just mumble something indecipherable. Speaking of audience participation (kinda), all you Calgary nitehawks should get yer Tae-Bo-hardened buns down to Loose Moose's historic Garry Theatre on Friday, May 14th for The Hot Nuts & Popcorn Variety Hour. It's one of them thar late-nite talk show deals, w/ an 11:30ish p.m. showtime. The Hot Nuts & Popcorn Variety Hour differs from, say, Open Mike in two crucial ways: (a) it's not televised, and (b) it's rumoured to be pretty damn funny. The host's name is Hot Nuts and his guffaw-friendly sidekick is Popcorn, or maybe it's vice versa. Tix are $5, and yers truly is gonna be one of this week's guests. No ideer as to the other guests, but fingers are crossed that it'll be that guy from the zoo w/ hungry condor in tow. Like children & street people, I can say the darndest things at the slightest provocation ("Rump roast" and "The gov't knows that I know that they know I know" being current faves) so it might be worth checking out if you've nothing better to do. Maybe I'll take a talk show cue from Drew Barrymore and flash some skin, boobularly-speaking. Or maybe I'll take a cue from Crispin Glover and try to kick the host. ("Hot Nuts" or "Popcorn," I'll happily kick either. Perhaps both. That's what's called "being accommodating.") Or maybe I'll take a cue from Liam Neeson and be all grumpy about acting w/ a muppet & then say something derogatory about the Colonies. Or maybe I'll take a cue from David Duchovny c. this month's Esquire and be all grumpy about being interviewed & then say something dirty. Or maybe I'll take a cue from David Duchovny c. The Larry Sanders Show and wear a bathrobe & then show those clowns what it really means to call yerself "Hot Nuts." Oh yeah, I'm hoping to have those delicious 100% cotton Mr. Smutty T-shirts for sale at the show ($19.95), but I'm not promising anything. Besides, you can always mail order one but you'll have to consult last week's column for the address ’cuz I can't remember it. One more thing about The Hot Nuts & Popcorn Variety Hour: it's OK to come drunk so you've got no excuse. Next week: an in-depth examination of how embarrassingly drunk you were at The Hot Nuts & Popcorn Variety Hour.

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