FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1999. All Rights Reserved

Splice by FFWD Staff You oughtta write a song Touching the heart and soul of a generation of teens and adults alike, Alanis Morissette shot to international stardom with her powerful voice and passionate lyrics. While most of us can only dream of singing like Canada’s pride and joy, with the help of the Web, it is possible to write lyrics that are as good – or better – than the popular pop queen’s. Created by The Brunching Shuttlecocks, a duo of Web satirists, the Alanis Morrissette Lyric Generator lets you create your own wordy teen anthem by simply answering some basic questions about what you like (your fave colour, a most excellent poet) and, more importantly, what you really, really hate. With the push of a button, presto! – you’re six stanzas closer to fame and you don’t even have to put pen to binder. This tongue-in-cheek Web toy will equally amuse Alanis’s fans and her detractors. The Brunching Shuttlecocks home page Oh, that Gwar While known mainly for their visual schtick – which includes a live show featuring prosthetic limbs being hacked off barbarians, and buckets and buckets of fake blood and... er, other bodily fluids – and for being carted out by Springer and his ilk whenever TV hacks need real, live "shock rockers," one should never discount the lyrical brilliance of Gwar. That’s never been more evident than on the band’s latest and greatest release We Kill Everything, with its subtle and touching songs "Penile Drip," "Jiggle the Handle" and "The Master Has a Butt." Band members Oderus Urungus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Jizmak Da Gusha, Beefcake the Mighty, Slymenstra Hymen, and the rest have never spoken with the voice of this generation more eloquently. Because Gwar’s lyrics are often hard to decipher, as a public service announcement we offer just a few of the words of wisdom contained on We Kill Everything. Please note the wry use of metaphors and wonderful imagery these self-described scumdogs expertly employ. • Fishfuck, baby, I’m gonna fuck you with a fish – "Fishfuck" • I’ll come to town for you/ Dress up like a clown for you/ Pull my pants on down for you/ Then I’ll crawl away/ I will blow hot fart on you/ I will build an R2DT/ I won’t even start for you/ Unless you fucking pay.... – "The Performer" • My brain’s filled with bees/ My cock is diseased... – "Nitro-Burnin’ Funny Bong" • Your turds have more power than mere human feces/ Let’s use its great power to recover the pieces – "Jiggle the Handle" • As long as you continue to pull down your pants at the altar of Gwar, we’ll continue to let you lick our pimply scrotums – from the liner notes Free stuff! You oughtta know that we have a pair of front row tickets to see Alanis Morissette live in concert on Tuesday, May 4 at the Canadian Airlines Saddledome. Isn’t it ironic that her special guests are Sloan and Kinnie Starr? There is also an opportunity to meet Alanis après concert. Make sure you check out the ad in this issue for contest details. Get that hand out of your pocket – enter early and enter often. Thank you. Rufus Wainwright fans have a chance to win a great prize package that includes tickets to the April 27th show at the MacEwan Hall Ballroom, a pair of GAP Jeans and an opportunity to "meet & greet" Rufus. To enter, check out the ad in this issue. Fast Forward has a Cookie’s Fortune prize package including a pass for four, the CD (a Southern Blues soundtrack by Dave Stewart of Eurythmics) and movie poster. This Southern gothic comedy, showing at The Plaza, is directed by Robert Altman and stars Glenn Close, Julianne Moore, Patricia Neal and Liv Tyler. The Plaza is also selling $10 raffle tickets for a chance to win an all expenses paid trip for two to the Chicago Blues Festival, and offering jumbo cookies at the concession – both fund-raisers are in support of The Back Door, a youth employment society for street youth in Calgary. Free stuff can be picked up starting on Friday. Only those who have not won in the past four weeks (excluding movie passes) are eligible. Office hours are 9 a.m. to noon and 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. weekdays.

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