FFWD Weekly
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Video Vulture by FFWD Staff Funnies you may have forgotten Cartoons – I love ’em. And I’m never ever going to stop watching them. Now is probably the best time ever to be an animation junkie: it’s finally socially acceptable, and there’s a plethora of great stuff everywhere you look. Today, I’m not going to go on about the brilliance of The Simpsons or the perverted excesses of F3, or anything like that. I’m talking about the old cheap Saturday morning cheese that we all used to watch. Read the titles and gauge your reactions. (If you spot one that makes your jaw drop open in horrified recognition, I’ve done my job.) Perhaps your reaction will fit into one of two camps: either "Rocket Robin Hood is the greatest work of art in the civilized world ever produced, and I’ll smite any Philistine who says otherwise" or "Aaaaaargh! I actually used to watch this crap!" • Gilligan’s Planet: It had to happen sooner or later. The Professor built a spaceship out of coconuts and bamboo, and the castaways got marooned on a distant planet. (That guy could build anything. "This crude time machine is perfectly safe, as long as Gilligan keeps pedalling." CRASH! "Aieee! The Void!" ZORT! POW! ... er, okay, I’m just making stuff up now. I’ll stop.) • Snorks: Aquatic smurfs. • Alftales: Much better than the sitcom that inspired it. Not that that’s a big challenge or anything.... • Rubik, The Amazing Cube: Based on the puzzle. If somebody dropped this troll-faced multi-coloured little snot, he’d get all mixed up, and somebody would have to "solve" him in order to magically bring him back to life. I feel sick. • Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘N Wrestling: Hogan, Captain Lou Albano and the rest of the WWF gang would walk around in public wearing their shorts and kneepads. Once in a while they’d find a magic lamp with a genie in it or something. • Thundercats: "Sword of Omens... give me sight beyond sight!" Groan. Remember that first episode when the space voyage caused Lion-El to age instantly from a prepubescent ankle-biter into a big studly steroid guy, and nobody else changed at all? • Superfriends: Superman, Batman and the rest of DC comics’ heavy hitters were in this one, but I’ll always remember it for the Wonder Twins. This brother/sister team could change into all kinds of improbable stuff just by mashing their magic rings together. "Wonder Twin powers, activate!" "Form of... a giraffe!" "Shape of... giant flying ice handcuffs!" (Imagine doing a life sentence and having to tell your cellmates about how you got defeated by a giraffe and a pair of giant flying ice handcuffs. Don’t drop the soap, tough guy.) • The Dukes: An animated version of The Dukes of Hazzard. (Relax – it’s gone now.) • Cool McCool: From the fertile mind of Bob Kane (creator of Batman) comes this endearingly cheesy mid-’60s spy spoof. McCool is a super-suave secret agent who protects the world from nonsensical villains like Hurricane Harry and Dr. Madcap. At the end of each episode, No. 1 (McCool’s boss) would get so furious over McCool’s bumbling that he’d press a button, causing the spy to be ejected from the building. The show is sprinkled with short bits starring Cool’s father, Harry, a Keystone Kop-style lawman. Top-hatted caped villains would taunt him by chanting, "Brass buttons, blue coat, couldn’t catch a ferry boat!" – just like criminals do in real life. • Hammerman: Rapper MC Hammer (he of the big billowy parachute pants) stars as himself in this peculiar superhero cartoon. Hammer changes into dancing crimefighter "Hammerman" whenever he wears his magic shoes. Then he dispenses life-enriching pop wisdom to children everywhere... gosh, I can actually hear some of you cringing! • Dangermouse: "He’s terrific! He’s magnific! He’s the greatest secret agent in the World!" Ahhh... this is what I need. Sublime British silliness, either on tape or segmented into bite-sized cliffhangers on the Buckshot Show. The best episodes are like Monty Python for kids. • Samurai Pizza Cats: Superheroes with a pizza delivery business on the side. (There’s not much money in defeating giant robots.) • Jem: Jem and her hard-rocking band The Holograms climb the ladder of music video success, guided by a mystical being known as "Synergy." Evil girl band The Misfits make trouble for them. ("We are the Misfits! Our songs are better! We are the Misfits... and we’re gonna get her!") It doesn’t get much more ’80s than this. There’s just enough room left to mention a few more "classics": The Mighty Hercules, Voltron, Max The 2000 Year Old Mouse, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, She-ra, Princess of Power, Captain Caveman, Count Duckula (an old Dangermouse character!), Battle of the Planets ("Gatchaman" in Japan), Care Bears, My Little Pony, Dungeons and Dragons, Gummi Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Brite and Dynamutt.

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