FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1999. All Rights Reserved

Mr. Smutty by FFWD Staff A shout out to y'all who spent last week trying to conceive a millennium baby (April 9th being the Vegas oddsmakers' pick for maximum when-eggy-met-spermy potential), thusly missing last week's article on how to construct a moral compass using a magnetized sewing needle, cork & a lasagna pan fulla water. (As for the corresponding science brainteaser contest question – "You recently caught the bouquet at a same-sex wedding and are now standing directly overtop Magnetic North: which direction will God's finger point?" – we're still accepting entries, so get to work!) Don't worry, yer not alone. Heck, an entire dirty little town (Otto, Norway) fanned the BabY2K flames w/ "Erotic Week": porn in the movie theatres (how romantique!), free motel rooms for nookie-minded couples, and all-nite kindergarten classes so the town's tykes wouldn't risk walking in on something spicy and/or potentially scarring. The race is on, w/ would-be parents lured by the promise of big cash prizes. Assuming she's in a family way by New Year's Eve, a San Diego couple have scheduled a witching-hour C-section on the tiny island nation of Kiribati, located smack-dab on the Internat'l Date Line. Doctors applaud the clever scheme, calling it a perfectly healthy way for the couple's child to be saddled for life as a trivia footnote. They warn, however, against the new family attending D.Bowie's nearby "Gisborne 2000" concert (the so-called first concert of the millennium in the so-called first city to see sunrise) because he may perform songs from his last 10 crummy albums. While westerners are rediscovering intercourse-as-impregnation, China is in the midst of their long-awaited sexual revolution. Chinese doctors, once inexperienced w/ STDs, are now swamped w/ demand for a good swabbin'. "Life these days is much more open," a 29-year-old Chinese man w/ a first-timer case of gonorrhea told The New York Times. The man identified himself only as "Wang," proving he's at least kept his sense of humour thru all this. (The People's Liberation Army even has a premature-ejaculation "expert," whatever accreditation that particular distinction entails.) (On a semi-related sex note, all you metaphor fiends out there will be interested to learn that a Washington D.C. beaver was arrested for chewing the capital's prize cherry trees. The beaver was apprehended after police, acting upon incriminating taped phone conversations made by a duplicitous muskrat, discovered a bark-stained dress in its closet.) Other millennially-minded pro-creators are hoping Ginger Spice's soon-to-be-released solo debut will prove the ultimate conception soundtrack. Ginger (sorry: Geri) unveiled the first single ("Look At Me") last week in NYC. The song features s'pposedly autobiog'l lyrics such as "Good looking, bad tasting / Full-bodied, butt wasted." Planted in the crowd to give the false impression that kids still actually care about Ginger/Geri/whazzerface, an 11-year-old girl (identified only as "Wang") applauded the accompanying video & its steamy shots of Our Hero nekkid in a swimming pool. Geri refers to her comeback as cleverly calculated to "kick you in the balls and poke you in the eye," but industry insiders speculate she is actually referring to a pet mule brandishing a sharpened pool cue. Next week: Ex-Ginger Spice calls herself "full-bodied" and "butt wa(i)sted," so what size Mr. Smutty T-shirt would she require? L? XL? Thanx to her much-ballyhoo'd biz savvy, it's little doubt she can afford the $19.95 (payable to "Stink Ant Productions"), but will she know enuff to send it to Box 1103 Station M, Calgary AB, T2P 2K9? Has superstardom made her too impatient to sweat out the 4-6 weeks for delivery? Perhaps, working together, we can answer these questions and many more.

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