FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1999. All Rights Reserved

Film by John Tebbutt It’s always good to see a decent sword fight in a movie – locked blades, dashing heroes, snarling villains and all that. But what if you replace the swords with chainsaws? One of the first such melees was in Motel Hell in 1980. 1988, on the other hand, was the year of the chainsaw duel... • Phantasm 2 (1988): Don Coscarelli waited nine years before attempting a sequel to his original cult hit. I don’t find it as creepy and sustained as the original film (a personal favourite), but it does have some terrific moments. One of these moments finds series regular Reggie (Reggie Bannister) facing a sinister gas-mask-wearing dude in a basement. The heavily-armed Reggie pulls out his chainsaw, revs it up, and yells a challenge to the mute stranger. Unimpressed, the masked one simply goes to a shelf on the wall and pulls out an enormous four-foot long tree-felling Husqvarna that makes Reggie’s tool look like an eggbeater. Gulp. With more than a little trepidation, our man Reg enters the fray.... • Tiger On Beat (1988): Like many imported Hong Kong flicks, this Chow Yun Fat vehicle has horribly translated subtitles that cause a lot of confusion and laughs. For example, the verb "to toast" (as in "to toast one’s health") is translated as "toss up," leading to an amusing four-character dinner scene: "Let toss it." "Cheer." "Congradulation." "We should toss up with you." "That’s okay, I should thank you guys give me a chance to start a new life. We should toss up." "I should toss up you two." "Can we eat now?" etc. Of course, if you’re a fan of this stuff you overlook that sort of thing, and it’s certainly worth it to see Chow Yun Fat in a role so different from his usual screen image. Instead of the usual ice-cold sharp-dressed killing machine, Chow plays a likable doofus who wears Hawaiian shirts, drives a mini, and wets his pants when a thug points a gun at him. The final battle is easily the greatest chainsaw duel ever filmed. While Chow is downstairs using a length of rope to fire his shotgun around corners, his buddy Michael (Conan Lee) is deep in the heart of the bad guy’s stronghold, looking for his kidnapped sister. When he finds her, she’s being menaced by chainsaw-toting baddie Gordon Liu. You don’t just wait around for a situation like that to get worse, so Mike charges in and karate chops a support pillar, collapsing the platform Liu is standing on. Then Michael erupts through the floorboards with his own chainsaw and the battle truly begins. You’ve never seen anything like it – every shot goes for maximum realism and the actors must have been in real danger the whole time. Sparks fly, smoke rises, and near misses draw blood and shred clothing. Every time a saw touches the floor or a wall, it almost leaps out of its user’s grasp like a speeding motorcycle. Wow. • Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988): "The chainsaws used in this Motion Picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! They are handled here by seasoned PROFESSIONALS. The makers of this Motion Picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous SEX. My conscience is clear – Fred Olen Ray" So begins this surprisingly entertaining gore sex comedy, with the amusing tag line "They charge an arm and a leg!" If you like the title, you’ll like the movie. The whole thing is narrated in the classic hard-boiled style by private detective Jack Chandler (Jay Richardson), who deadpans such absurdities as, "I had stumbled into the middle of an evil, insidious cult of chainsaw-worshippng maniacs. I had to wonder if we let our religious freedom go too far in this country," and, "My first inclination was to call the police, but that was all the way across town, and there was no guarantee they were gonna do anything." Captured by firm-bodied cultists, Jack is brought to a cut-rate Egyptian temple as a blood sacrifice. Nice girl Samantha (Linnea Quigley) comes to her senses and saves Jack by testing her chainsaw-swinging mettle against that of fellow cultist Mercedes (Michelle Bauer). It must be said that not a lot of effort went into the filming of the final duel. The girls stand rigidly in place while swinging their saws gently and slowly, until it’s time for the fight to end. I suppose the filmmakers thought that the sight of two scantily-clad vixens holding chainsaws would put the viewers in a forgiving mood. (They were right.)

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