FFWD Weekly
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Mr. Smutty by James Martin It's darn-near impossible to stay on the cutting edge o' satire. Example: Jesse "The Body" Ventura won the guv'nership of Minnesota, and like three seconds later Garrison Keillor pub'd Me by Jimmy (Big Boy) Valente Governor of Minnesota (Viking, 176 pp.), his so-"now"-it-hurts fictional memoir of a wrestler-turned-governor. Did Keillor churn out this gagbook overnight, or did he hedge his bet by writing two books (the other concerning an ex-wrestler who doesn't become governor of Minnesota), confident that at least one of 'em would be "on the mark"? (Brings to mind that famous snafu it which some newspaper accidentally printed the wrong Presidential Election headline, so instead of saying "Lincoln Wins!" it read "Bush Wins!" I may not have the candidates' names exactly correct, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Oh yeah, then there was the time the New York Post, acting on some bum info, proudly trumpeted: "Kennedy Not Assassinated In Dallas, Everything Fine.") Not to mention Monica's Untold Story (Regan Books, 72 pp.) by Anonymous, the jokey companion piece to Monica's Story by Andrew Morton. I don't know if this is the same Anonymous who wrote Primary Colors and "Some people come here to sit & think..." but he/she is sure quick on the draw. (Historically-speaking, classic '70s spoofs like Jonathan Livingstone Pigeon and I'm OK, You're Fucked took, y'know, months to hit the shelves.) So, yeah, I could go into an extended riff (or, as we in the biz like to call it, a "jam") about Gov. Ventura's revolutionary ideas re: college sports (in short: to curb academic hi-jinx, doofus jocks should be allowed to play college ball w/out having to take any classes – sounds good, and I'll show my support by joining the NHL & not playing hockey). But I won't make a peep, since I'm sure there's already a TV-movie, hit song, and mid-priced line of designer clothing devoted to said tired topic. From now on I'm devoting my life to science. My first scientific challenge is to find a useful application of Anoplolepis gracilipes, the so-called "crazy ant" which is quickly exterminating the famous red crab population of Christmas Island. Three million of an estimated 100M crabs have already been killed by the crazy ants, as have all of Christmas Island's elves and reindeer. (Meanwhile, over on Easter Island, the bunnies have been evacuated and the baby chickens are packing heat.) As a scientist, it's my job to find something else for the crazy ants to eat. At first I thought "people nobody likes," but then I figgered: hey, if these crazy ants like crabs so much, how about feeding them Phthirus pubis? Commonly know as the "crab louse" or simply "crabs," a steaming bowl of Phthirus pubis is the perfect meal for a hungry crazy ant. Much in the way maggots are used to remove dead flesh from messy wounds, the crazy ants could be applied to the infected pubic area, where they would munch away until their hearts' content & the patient is again free to rut willy-nilly. (Do ants even have hearts? I'll ask around the lab.) Warning: patients may experience not-altogether-unpleasant tickling. Anyway, that's pretty much all I have to say about crabs, but I'd be tragically remiss if I didn't remind you about the official Mr. Smutty T-Shirt. A coupla fast facts about said garments: they're $19.95 (that includes postage & manhandling), they're available in L or XL, and they're totally excellent. Just send a cheque/money order (payable to "Stink Ant Productions," as opposed to "Crazy Ant Pubic Crab Removal Inc.") to Box 1103 Station M, Calgary AB, T2P 2K9. It takes 4-6 weeks for delivery, so you'd be wise to have some clean laundry lined up for the interim.

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