FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1999. All Rights Reserved

Video Vulture by John Tebbutt Got a problem? Better write to Ann Landers then chum, because copying the problem-solving antics of your favorite movie heroes is just asking for trouble. Sure, these guys generally get the job done, but don’t try this at home. • 1941 (1979): Problem: You’re a P.O.W. on board a Japanese submarine that’s hopelessly lost. They lock you in the head and wait for you to pass the compass you swallowed earlier. Solution: Make lots of grunting noises and drop a boot in the toilet. When they burst in to retrieve the compass (ick), hit ’em in the head. • Ms. 45 (1981): Problem: You’re a delicate, attractive young mute girl walking through Manhattan in the dead of night. Four vicious punks have you surrounded. Solution: Shoot them all with a big gun. Obvious, really. • In the Line of Duty (a.k.a. Royal Warriors) (1986): Problem: A revenge-obsessed psycho has murdered your friend, unearthed his coffin, and left it suspended over a junkyard. He’s daring you to come and "rescue" the remains. It’s obviously a trap, but you can’t just leave your buddy’s soul trapped in limbo, can you? Solution: Show up in a tank. Once again, fairly obvious. • Wolf Devil Woman (1982): Problem: You’re a feral wild woman who’s been raised by wolves in feudal Japan. Your boyfriend is currently on fire. Better do something. Solution: Bite your arm, spraying blood all over the blaze. Presto – fire’s out. Give his skin a few minutes to cool and he’ll be ready for snuggling. "There there, honey. I’ll kiss it better." • Story of Ricky (a.k.a. RIKKI-O)(1991): Problem: You’re an invincible kung fu fighter locked in a penitentiary filled with other invincible kung fu fighters who want to kill you. In one brawl, your opponent severs the tendons in your wrist, and now your Shaolin Iron Fist Technique is useless because your hand doesn’t work. Solution: Reach in there and tie those tendons back together. A couple of sturdy knots and it’s back to the fight. Who wants some? • Mars Attacks! (1996): Problem: Martians are attacking! Eep! Solution: Play Slim Whitman albums until their big ugly heads explode. • Gremlins (1984): Problem: Ugly little monsters are in your kitchen, eating the tuna casserole you prepared for dinner. Solution: Blenders, butcher knives, microwave ovens... all very handy for disposing of slimy green pests. Make sure you’ve got plenty of Windex – there’s going to be one heck of a mess to clean up. • Pulp Fiction (1994): Problem: You’ve got a corpse (minus a head) in your buddy’s garage. Your host’s wife Bonnie will be home soon, and she’s not likely to react very well to the situation. Solution: Send for "The Wolf." He solves problems. Just do what he tells you to do and don’t give him any guff. • Time Bandits (1981): Problem: Due to a bizarre turn of events, you find yourself (and your midget friends) locked in a cage hanging over a bottomless chasm. Things look bleak. Solution: Use your penknife to pick the lock. Then climb up to the heavy rope at the top of the cage. Using the knife, pare this rope down to a weedy bit of twine. (Good thing you and your pals don’t weigh much.) With the extra bits of rope you now have, you can swing to safety. Ta-daaaa!

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