FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1999. All Rights Reserved

Video Vulture by John Tebbutt Today’s topic is... well, it’s... hmm. Okay, okay, I admit it. I don’t have an actual "topic" per se. I’m tired, delirious and facing a deadline, so I’m just going to rant pointlessly about some miscellaneous videos. In fact, I think I’ll occasionally throw in bits of Gilbert and Sullivan lyrics at random. ("A paradox, a paradox, a most ingenious paradox! Hahahahahahahaha etc.") Can’t get the damn tunes out of my head. ("I am a lit-tle boy of five!") Groan. Sorry, folks, but this is the state my head’s currently in. • Psychomania (aka The Death Wheelers) (1972): Hilarious rollicking British horror/biker/comedy in which a cycle gang leader learns the secret of immortality from his mum. He gleefully runs off and kills himself, comes back from the dead, and peer-pressures his mates into doing the same. Before you know it, a rather clean-cut gang of undead hooligans is menacing the neighborhood with their bad manners and noisy bikes and blocking the driveways and upsetting the staff at the morgue and ("Three little maids from school are we, pert as a schoolgirl well can be, filled to the brim with girlish glee-EE! Three little maids from school!")... with a large frog. Wait’ll you see the ludicrous funeral scene, in which the soon-to-be-revived gang leader gets buried sitting on his bike! • Gwar: Live From Antarctica (1990): Here’s a great way to enjoy Gwar’s freakish exploits without actually attending one of their concerts. (At least you won’t get covered with stage blood.) This is the band with the enormous polystyrene Viking/beast costumes and the grotesque and obscene stage antics. See Gwar wreak cartoonish havoc, clobber each other with huge Nerf sledgehammers, and screech out tunes like "Sick of you," "Maggots" and "Salaminizer!" The phony carnage is so over-the-top that it’s impossible to be offended by it. Outrageous bacchanalian fun, especially in small doses. • The Terror of Tiny Town (1938): Check it out... the world’s first (and only) all-midget western. Perhaps you didn’t hear me; I said ALL-MIDGET WESTERN!!! Ahem. Thank you. ("A wand’ring minstrel I, a thing of raaaags and patches.") • The Adventures of Droopy: Classic cartoon silliness starring a short, sour-faced mutt who shows remarkable competence in everything he attempts, despite his mopey attitude. You will laugh. • The Lost Empire (1983): ("What, never?" "No, never!" "What, never?!" "Well... hardly ever!" "He’s hardly ever sick at sea-eee!") First, you’ve got some ninjas who don’t actually do anything. They just walk in and dangle their shuriken on the ends of little strings instead of throwing them. This looks really silly, but it deflects bullets. Then the plot kicks in. A criminal genius, Dr. Sin Do, assembles a vast army of huge-breasted warriors to ("Poor little buttercup, sweet little buttercup")... bald guy from that Midas muffler commercial ("This great decree you’ll understand, caused great dismay across the land, for young and old and shy and bold were equally affected")... robot spiders ("Ta ran ta ra ta ran ta ra")... Raven De La Croix with her top off ("Oh FALSE one! You have de-CEIVED me!").... Sod it, I’m all confused now.

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