FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1999. All Rights Reserved
| Viewpoint by FFWD Staff Dear Bill Clinton: I would have written sooner, but until now one of Mitzy’s hardest and fastest rules has stopped me from giving you some good, old-fashioned advice on how to keep your job. My better half reserves the right to ban a particular word from being uttered or talked about until a new and more annoying term comes along. For most of the ’70s I could not say "Trudeau." The acronyms for the National Energy Policy and the Goods and Services Tax were banned from my vocabulary during the ’80s. Now that the special year of 1999 has arrived, Mitzy has banned one long M word and its strange, abbreviated travelling companion from the house. This change has released impeachment from the vocabulary dungeon, and gives me a chance to send you some overdue insight into your trial by the Senate. Keep practising that contrite look that you have gotten so much mileage out of in the past year. The senators will make you look bad for all the ill repute that you have brought down on the upstanding and venerable office of president. They will not, however, throw you out of office. That contrite look and making sure you act like a good president for the rest of your term is what it will take to save the Democrats’ chances in 2000 – and your fanny. Senators like to talk about being the body of sober second thought. They are, however, just another bunch of politicians, so no one is buying the sober or the second thought. The Democrats in the Senate will be relying, in part, on your performance in the next 18 months to get re-elected. As long as you keep your popularity up and your populator down, those Democrat senators will not allow the Republicans to take their president out for something as natural to a politician as lying. Don’t get me wrong. This is no letter of support. I have no respect for a man who loses his pants to a fixated woman-child; the more powerful the man, the less respect I have. This is a reminder that some of us out here do not confuse partisan politics with the process of good government. You may not have to worry about the impeachment, but if you do not take care of Saddam Hussein, you will have a hard time raising the money for the presidential library in Little Rock. Now Saddam is a subject I can give you some advice on without having to wash my hands afterwards. Artie McCormick was the high school bully when I was in Grade 7. Artie was no bright light, but he’s the reason I know that no one has ever taught a bully a lesson by beating him with a stick. The only thing a bully learns from that lesson is that he needs a bigger stick than yours. The case of Saddam is further complicated by the support and goodwill the U.S. loses every time it attacks Iraq. The more you squeeze Mr. Hussein, the more the Middle East is going to slip away from you. Far more knowledgeable people than me are saying that Mr. Hussein’s latest rash of bizarre posturing is a sign that he is about to lose control of Iraq. That would be a feather in your cap if it ever happens, but be sure to look this gift horse in the mouth closely. I know that all your military and security folk have come up with all sorts of plan Bs and Cs, but are you really prepared for what comes after Saddam? It could be the cold prairie air slowing the synapses, but it’s hard to imagine why any Iraqis would consider the U.S. a friend. The pain and suffering that they have suffered from Desert Storm and the embargo are not going to endear them to the U.S., and, in a country that has watched its social and government structure dismantled by war, fear and starvation, sudden freedom can lead to chaos. Solving that problem is another letter entirely. I just know that contrite looks and popularity with the American voter aren’t going to get you very far with a destitute and leaderless country. Yours in marital bliss, |
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