FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1998 All Rights Reserved.
| MR. SMUTTY Bill Clinton's videotaped deposition, complete w/ fancy triplespeak & folksy rambling, left my head feeling like a soggy stogie. (Brings to mind that old bit o' bathroom graffiti: "Don't throw yer cigars in the intern - it makes 'em hard to light!") So thank Zeus for www.novelwriting.com, the on-line home of Ken Starr's Report for Kids. "Monica Lewinsky wanted to learn about working in the White House, so she became an intern," sez the E-Z readin' Ken Starr's Report for Kids. "An intern is someone practicing a job." Judging from her famed sticky dress, it sounds like Monica got pretty good at her job. I guess this is one of those practice-makes-perfect lessons, kinda like a Helen Keller thing. (Q: How do you get to Carnegie Hall? A: Beats me, but a hiked-up pair of thong underwear will getcha all the way to the White House.) Ken Starr's Report for Kids is not only informative, but it's a real potboiler too: "President Clinton and Ms. Lewinsky met while she was working at the White House. That is when President Clinton did the wrong thing. Why was it wrong and what did he do? We'll tell you." (Sweet merciful crap, don't leave me hanging!) The Report then delivers the goods: "Married people promise that they will only have certain kinds of sex with each other." For example, a husband might promise that he'll only have unsatisfactory sex w/ his wife, saving shameful motel sex for the women (?) he meets on business trips. Ken Starr's Report for Kids goes on to explain that, altho only Clinton & Lewinsky know for certain what "kinds of sex" they had, the rest of us are free to speculate. A lot. In graphic, Penthouse Forum detail. On primetime TV. Then there's a bunch of stuff about how it's important for the President to behave like a good boy because nobody is above the law, even if they're a rollerblading crybaby whose hobbies include glug-glug & vrooom-vrooom (hypothetically-speaking, of course). And don't sweat an impeachment 'cuz "life goes on as usual. We go to school, work, lunch, and then home." Ken Starr's Report For Kids also says that "sad feelings go away after a while" but in the meantime can be parlayed into sympathy and/or sexual favors. Inquisitive li'l scamps that they are, kids just looooove numbers - and Ken Starr's Report For Kids is chockfull of 'em! Did you know it took 18 boxes to hold the adult version of the Starr Report? Did you know Congress received two copies of the Report, which meant 36 boxes of papers? Did you know Bill Clinton reportedly told Monica that he's had 100s of extra-marital affairs? Yaaaaaay numbers! The only downside to Ken Starr's Report For Kids is when it gets to the nitty-gritty re: how Clinton didn't technically lie to the Paula Jones lawyers: "In court you don't have to say anything more than answer just the questions." The manipulation of truth is an important childhood lesson, but then Ken Starr's Report For Kids gets all preachy: "That is not true with parents or teachers. If we lie and they start to question us, we know we'd better tell the whole story. The rules are different in court." That's complete BS and every kid knows it. If Dad gets on his high horse and gives ya a did-you-get-drunk-&-smash-up-my-Hummer speech - when in fact you were hopped up on reefer and hadn't touched a drop - you don't have to tell the jerk anything. (In fact, he should give you money.) That's the bestest thing I've learned from Ken Starr's Report For Kids: don't let the bastards hang ya w/ yer own necktie. |