FFWD Weekly
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| VIDEO VULTURE What's the deal with morning people? They bound out of bed singing show tunes while the rest of us grit our teeth and stumble zombie-like through the Worst Part of the Day. Maybe they know something we don't. On the other hand, a healthy dislike for the dawn helps you relate to certain movie scenes. All right, maybe stomping into the kitchen and finding out you're out of coffee isn't the same as waking up next to a horse's head, but we can still look up at the screen and say "Hey brother - I feel your pain." Cinema's nastiest surprises are usually reserved for characters who are just waking up. Rub the sleep out of your eyes and check out these memorably bad mornings. · The Last Starfighter (1984): The hero's little brother groggily peers over the edge of his bunk, and sees his older sib remove his head and adjust its internal workings with a screwdriver. (It's actually a robot double, left by aliens as a replacement while the real bro is off saving the universe.) "You're having a bad dream. Go back to sleep," suggests the head. · Excalibur (1981): After a night of illicit passion, Lancelot and Guenevere wake up and are alarmed to see King Arthur's sword stuck in the ground between them. The message - "The jig is up!" - received loud and clear. · The Godfather (1972): The horse's head, obviously. · Rosemary's Baby (1968): The premise here is that the pregnant Rosemary (Mia Farrow) is going to give birth to the son of the Devil. That means that at one point there must have been a... er, conception. Ewww. Fortunately, she was unconscious at the time. Mostly. (She didn't drink all of her drugged beverage and, as a result, had a brief but terrifying moment of lucidity.) · Misery (1990): James Caan plays a best-selling author held captive by an insane (and infatuated) nurse. In one memorable scene, he awakens just in time to see his captor and "Number One Fan" preparing to break his ankles with a sledgehammer. Ouch! · Theatre of Blood (1973) Vincent Price plays a ham actor who sets out to kill all of the critics who dissed him. One victim is quietly decapitated in the dead of night and left in bed beside his sleeping wife. · The Holy Mountain (1973): A man who strongly resembles Jesus Christ is spotted by a pair of opportunistic merchandisers. They get him drunk. When he passes out, they put plastic tubes up his nose so he can breathe, and pour plaster over his entire body to form a lifecast. When the guy comes to, he finds himself in a vast warehouse filled with hundreds and hundreds of Christ statues that look just like him. · Scream and Scream Again (1969): During the opening credits, a jogger collapses in the street. He wakes up in a hospital and makes the upsetting discovery that he now only has one leg. At first the likely explanation is that amputation was necessary to save the patient... except that they won't let him leave. For the rest of the film, every time this guy wakes up he's missing another limb. · Gulliver's Travels (any version): This one goes without saying. While visiting Lilliput, Gulliver awakens to find himself lashed firmly to the ground with hundreds of tiny ropes. · Braveheart (1995): The real William Wallace killed some of his enemies in their beds. Hardly brave, in my opinion. Still, Mel Gibson manages to make it look heroic. Bursting into his foe's bedchamber astride a magnificent war horse, Mel staves in the scoundrel's head with a morning-star and escapes by crashing through a window in slow motion. Blatantly unfair, but so exciting that it's almost forgivable. · Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987): Mismatched travelers John Candy and Steve Martin are forced to share a hotel bed one night. Come dawn, they find themselves spooned together. "Del... why did you kiss my ear?" "Why are you holding my hand?" "Where's your other hand?" "Between two pillows." Pause. Then realization.... "Those aren't pillows!" Both men explode out of bed, shuddering with revulsion. · Also check out The Vanishing (1988) and Martin (1978) for two unforgettable rude awakenings that can't be described without spoiling the films. |