FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1998 All Rights Reserved.
| VIDEO VULTURE Dissatisfied with your sexual performance? Do you lack confidence and self-respect? Do women laugh at your microscopic manhood? Well, friend, your problems are over! Simply subject yourself to a penis transplant, and live the life of a well-hung Casanova! · The Amazing Transplant (1969): In this sex-filled dirge, a frustrated loser named Arthur tries to change his lot in life by receiving a penis transplant from his promiscuous friend Felix. The operation turns him into a violent sex fiend who goes into a trance when he looks at women's earrings (just like Laurence Harvey staring at playing cards in The Manchurian Candidate.) Let's get one thing perfectly clear: Doris Wishman is a terrible filmmaker. Say what you will about Edward D. Wood Jr., but compared to Ms. Wishman, he's Quentin Tarantino. One of the most endearing quirks in Wishman's body of work is the ridiculous lengths she goes to in order to hide her barely-synchronized voice dubbing. You hardly ever see characters moving their lips in a Wishman film; they'll stand behind posts, rise up out of frame, or hold props in front of their faces while speaking. The camera will focus in on clocks, lamps, knick-knacks, silent characters, blank walls... anything except the character who's speaking the lines. · Sex & Zen (1991) If you only watch one penis transplant movie, make it this one. It's a dream-like period piece based on the famous 17th century book The Carnal Prayer Mat, and it combines eroticism with outrageous humor in a way you won't see anywhere on this continent. Handsome but inadequately endowed scholar Mei Yang meets an eccentric doctor who is about to perfect his penis transplant procedure. The excited Mei Yang quickly arranges to exchange his "little fireman" for the penis of a horse. Once the doctor seals Mei Yang up in a barrel (with a strategically placed hole) to begin surgery, things go comically haywire. A small guillotine is used to remove Mei Yang's unwanted beef bugle, and a dog promptly runs off with it. Then there's a delay while the doctor waits for the horse to become sufficiently drunk to begin the operation. With not much time left before the anesthetic wears off, the doctor panics and tries to recover the dog-gnawed member, before frantically chasing Mei Yang's servant with the intent of using his penis for the operation. In the ensuing struggle, the doc spills anesthetic all over his hands, just before a freak thunderstorm paralyzes him with traumatic fear! The frantic Mei Yang tips over his barrel and rolls around helplessly as the freshly-severed horse penis is sent flying through the air and into the servant's mouth! Despite all this, the operation is completed successfully. Of course, once he's got a horse's todger swinging between his legs, Mei Yang's problems really start. · Yummy Fur (????): Actually, this movie hasn't been made yet, and it's becoming doubtful that it ever will be. After the success of Roadkill (1989) and Highway 61 (1992), Bruce McDonald announced that he would be making a film adaptation of the "Ed, the Happy Clown" story arc from Chester Brown's brilliantly twisted Yummy Fur comic book. Fans of the comic were simultaneously excited, outraged and baffled. How could anybody even begin to film this berserk oddity? Would the film stay faithful to Chester's hilariously disturbing vision? How soon can we see it? These questions will have to wait. The plot of the comic involves mountains of feces, a man whose anus is a gateway to another dimension, and the tiny head of Ronald Reagan appearing at the end of the hero's penis and talking to him. You'll just have to trust me when I tell you that the whole story makes perfect sense. Other penis transplant movies include Percy (1971), its sequel Percy's Progress (aka It's Not the Size That Counts) (1974), and presumably the John Wayne Bobbitt adult feature directed by porn legend Ron Jeremy, Frankenpenis. |