FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1998 All Rights Reserved.
| MR. SMUTTY It was whilst spending yet another July 1st crossborder-shopping in Montana (loading up on Olestrafied potato chips & cheap booze from 7-11) ("Olestra: when ya feel that creepy goo slowly drip outta yer ass 24 hrs. later, you know it's working"), that I got to thinking about Canada. This whole "Canada's Walk Of Fame" deal is depressing. Sure, there's the expected bickering about who's been excluded (it's the time-honored principle known as "The Birthday Party Rule": make a list and someone's gonna feel left out). But even more disturbing is how blatantly it rips off the Hollywood Walk Of Ditto - disturbing 'cuz it's such an obvious America-thinks-it's-so-cool-but-we're-cool-too maneuver. Equally bummerifying is the "James Cameron has such a distinctly Canadian sensibility" line being touted by maple-leaf eggheads. So Titanic has that Canada-feel because why? Something to do w/ the flick's plot hinging on technological failure (i.e. big fancy boat sinks like stone), which is representative of Canada's collective, uh, technophobia? (Guess that's why Canada only built a Space Arm, and not the Space Legs, Feet and Head.) Is there any validity to such nogginspeak or is James Cameron just another example of Canada's me-too desperation? (Brings to mind that great movie - correction: great Canadian movie - Louis 19 [dir. Michel Poulette, 1994], about a guy whose hobby is sneaking into the background of TV crime-scene reports and then running home to watch himself on the tube. Doesn't get much more Canadian than that.) (Later in the flick, Louis wins a contest and his life becomes a 24-hour teevee show, but I'm too lazy to draw Truman Show parallels so stop whining. Hey, isn't Jim Carrey a Canadian?) Then there's the case of the late Phil Hartman. If ya believe the Canadian news-spin, PH was a guy best known for being born in Canada & living here for five minutes, after which he moved to the States & who knows what happened to him after that. Geez, the guy's whole freakin' komedy kareer was set in the USA, so it's kinda goofy to keep harping on "Canadian-born Phil Hartman" and "Canada's Phil Hartman." There was a hair more to the guy's fame than just his birth - it ain't like he was a Dionne Quint or nuthin'. (Besides, if PH was a quint, NewsRadio & Third Rock From The Sun wouldn't be in such a pickle right now.) The post-mort Canucking (rhymes with "moose-[blank]ing") of Phil Hartman is the kinda pathetic behavior associated w/ yearbook-drooling dorks still hung-up on having once shared a locker w/ the guy who now dances around in a donkey costume at ballgames. ("There's my old pal Todd! Hey! Hey, Todd! Over h... guess he doesn't see me.") Gee, Phil Hartman showed so much early promise, what w/ him being born in Canada and designing the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young logo - but he just never lived up to his potential. (Neil Young, he's Canadian, too, isn't he?) Yeah, it's annoying when, y'know, Rolling Stone proclaims The Band (four-fifths Canuck, or thereabouts) the USA's bestest r'n'r combo, or when Douglas Coupland is referred to as American (heck, the States can lay claim to his crummy books, but Canada gets the good 'uns). Still, Canada's gotta smarten up all the same. Whoa Nellie, did that vitriol just spill outta li'l ol' me? (And by "Whoa Nellie," I am of course referring to Nellie McClung, a Canadian who is famous for, uh, suffering so women could get the goat or something like that.) Man, I feel like the Exxon Valdez of bad vibes. Wait a sec, that boozed-up skipper wasn't Canadian, was he...? Awww, I'm just teasing ya, my beaver-pelted, pine-scented pal. Happy belated Canada Day, loser! |