FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1998 All Rights Reserved.
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| MR. SMUTTY Fashion & function go great together. For e.g., pockets are good for playing pool (trust me, nobody can tell), and shoes protect tender tootsies from broken glass. And always wear a suit 'cuz you just never know when yer gonna get hauled into court for being a perv. Plus: a wide-brimmed hat is the perfect shield from the camera's harsh glare. (Note: if you understand this joke, you may very well be a Hutterite.) Speaking of fashion versatility, how 'bout the basic black armband? You can wear it on yer arm to mourn Ginger's splitification from the Spice Girls, then wear it miniskirt-style for a nite on the town. It's (sob!) how Ginger woulda wanted it. In a statement read by their spokesperson at a press conference they didn't bother to attend, the remaining Spice Girls said they were "upset and saddened by Geri's departure, but we are very supportive in whatever she wants to do." (Unless, one assumes, what Ginger rilly rilly wants is to sue the other Spices' pants off.) (Wait a sec, do any of 'em even wear pants? Probably Sporty, so she'd better get a lawyer.) The statement continued: "The Spice Girls are here to stay - see you at the stadiums!" But, since the absentee Spices were neither "here" nor doing any of the "saying," was the message in fact that they will not see us at the stadiums? Is this some clever, mind-boggling way of announcing they've scrapped the upcoming 40 city N. American Tour (kicking off June 15 at Miami's Coral Sky Amphitheater)? (On second read, what they really said wuz "The Spice Girls are here to stay. Never mind.) Reports of infighting aside, it sounds like Ginger (a cleaner-turned-nudie-model-turned-Turkish-quizshow-hostess-turned-Spice-Girl) (funny, she doesn't look Turkish) is a victim of the times. Sociologists predict that over the course of a lifetime, the average GenX'r will switch occupations a whopping 81 times. Back in the golden days, it useta be ya'd land a job (say, Turkish quizshow hostess or nudie model - but not both fer Chrissakes) and slug it out 'til retirement. Maybe Ginger will become Forgotten Spice, just like the half-dozen-or-so yahoos who jockey for position as the "fifth Beatle." (Or worse yet: pull a Brian Jones and get all ga-ga re: mystical pipe music, then drown in a swimming pool.) It may seem like the Spices are at the pinnacle of success, but maybe they've only just begun. (Will Ginger become the Spice equiv of Pete Best? Or maybe that guy from Backbeat who split the Beatles just so he could (a) shack up w/ a randy German artiste and (b) keel over thanx to a brain tumor?) (A recent newzpaper's front page featured a Spice pic all torn asunder so as to illustrate the rift between Geri and the others. The headline, which as it turned out referred to another story, screamed: "Body found." In a brief, heart-racing moment, I thought, "Gee whiz, maybe the Spice Girls are like the Mob and there's only one way out. Ginger wearing 15-inch concrete platform shoes at the bottom of the Thames - say it ain't so! " Whew! Perhaps said newzrag should stick to pics of doofus columnists frolicking in babe-filled hot tubs.) Maybe the remaining S-Girls will find their true calling as, y'know, Superambassadors For Totally Total World Peace. If you thought it wuz weird seeing an anti-nuke protester (picketing the Pakistani embassy in Greece) wearing that crazy psycho-killer mask (sorta looks like Munch's The Scream, but not really) from the Scream flicks, try this powerful image on for size: Baby 'n' Sporty 'n' Posh 'n' Scary straddling a nuked-up ballistic missile (à la Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove) whilst chirping "If you wanna be my subcontinental neighbor, ya gotta get w/ my disarmament plan!" Peace makes my privates feel all tingly. |
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