FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1998 All Rights Reserved.
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| MR. SMUTTY Despite his tender age (24 yrs), Stephen Glass has built himself a very funny career filing interesting stories for Rolling Stone, Harper's, The New Republic, etc. Like the one about the New York bond dealer who maintains his competitive edge via a handheld urinal (why leave yer desk and risk missing that hot tip?). Or his exposé of the insidious cult known only as The First Church Of George Herbert Walker Christ. Steve G.'s stories were also 100% hokum (read: baloney), which is why The New Republic fired his ass and he moved back to Mom 'n' Dad's basement. A talented young liar like Mr. Glass should have no trouble finding work. Is Hollywood hiring? For inst, the new Godzilla flick starts out promising enuff w/ a boss-hoss opening sequence (murky footage of tropical islands and big lizards and atomic testing - oh boy!), but 'round about the time Godzilla slips into NYC, we meet the shadowy Frenchman who's been tracking the beast. Seems the French Gov't feels terribly bad 'bout their not-so-distant nuclear testing in 'n' around the Fangataufa Atoll, so they've sent a crack team to mop up their mess. Godzilla's path o' destruction is pretty much restricted to the Big Apple, which makes America (synecdochically speakin') the Victim. Nice trick, this French=bad, US=innocent maneuver - but a big slap in the face for Godzilla. OK, 1945: the US blows Japan's socks off w/ the Fat Man/Little Boy treatment - but at least Japan can find comfort in the bosom of their divine-being-incarnate/head-honcho Emperor Hirohito. Uh, right? A few months later, Hirohito wows his nation w/ a sorry-to-spring-this-on-ya-but-I-ain't-no-godhead speech. Rats. Gee whiz, what could a guy stomping around decked out in a latex lizard suit possibly mean? What kinda god would allow a mutation born of an unnatural act to wreck a buncha stuff? Cue the UNICEF Childrens Metaphor Choir: It's a godless world after all/It's a godless world.... France? Forget about Nagasaki & Hiroshima, forget about the shitload of hydrogen/atomic bomb testing at Bikini Atoll (1946-58) in which the US not only made a real mess, but merrily ousted 167 Bikinians (a gentle people of itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny stature and yellow polka-dot complexion) from their atoll, sweet atoll. Forget about "Project Chariot" (it's 1958: showing he's still got "it," Frank Sinatra invites the world to "Come Fly With Me." Meanwhile, the US Gov't thinks it'd be ginchy to carve a new Alaskan harbor using you-know-what). Blame those darn Frogs. (Yeah yeah, Godzilla '98's French angle allows for lots of coffee/croissant gags, and France has been bad in the nuclear testing dept. as of late, but....) Still, there's that hilarious scene in which a terrified Japanese fisherman keeps repeating the words "Gojira! Gojira!" ("Gojira," Godzilla's given name, is a combination of the Japanese words for "whale" and "metaphor.") Then The Unscrupulous Reporter turns the whole thing to Wonder Bread by helpfully explaining what the silly fisherman probably meant to say (what w/ his Engrish not being so hot): "You heard it here first, folks: Godzilla!" Could Godzilla '98 be in on its own culture-smashing joke? Dunno 'bout that, but the F/X are pretty nifty and ditto for that Puff Daddy "Kashmir" ditty. But why The Wallflowers bothered to cover Microsoft's "Heroes" so soon after the orig is a mystery. Clever vid, tho. So yeah, Stephen Glass. Much in the way J.D.Salinger's Glass kids (no relation) were all super-talented at memorization & stuff like that, Steve Glass is a gifted fibber. Mark my words, he's goin' places. Raise high the roof beams of yer parents' house, ya pants-a-fire outta-work liar. God bless! |
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