FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1998 All Rights Reserved.
| MR. SMUTTY Last month, in maybe Alabama or Alaska (but not Arkansas - I ain't touchin' that one no-way, no-how), a high school celebrated Coke Day (or wuzzit Pepsi Day?) except one smart aleck kid wrecked the whole biz by wearing a Pepsi T-shirt (or wuzzit a Coke T-shirt?). The principal was righteously pissed-off 'cuz the school not only embarrassed itself in front of Coke (Pepsi?) officials, but also DQd itself from winning $500 for being the Cokinest (most Pepsionic?) skool around. The kid pled good-natured kookiness ('splaining it's in his personality to be wackyzany), but the stunt smacks of some sorta anti-corporate sponsorship statement. That's crap: corporate sponsorship is where it's at! (And I've got two Techniques SL 1200 MKII turntables and a Sennheiser MD 425 microphone to prove it.) (Heck, even Neil "This Note's For You" Young proudly sports a "Tide" tee thru-out J. Jarmusch's Year Of The Horse flick.) We're barreling toward the kinda future envisioned by avant-poindexter David Foster Wallace in his phatass Infinite Jest, a world where even time hops into bed w/ Big Beeswax. (Fuhgitabout The Year Of The Horse, Wallace predicts The Year Of The Depends Adult Undergarment.) (And with the Baby Boomers' en masse slide into the grave - "incontinental drift," perhaps? - what better choice of sponsor?) Everytime a school cuts an exclusivity deal w/ a soda-pop, we're that much closer to A Brave New Tough-On-Stains World. Bring it on! Besides, if the VLTs become restricted to certain parts of town (that's the same way the phenomena once known as "hookers" & "crackhouses" were eliminated, historically-speaking), who else is gonna foot the bill? Check out the cutting-edge work goin' on in the Middle East, where Israeli and Palestinian TV producers have created two new versions of Sesame Street ("Rehov Sumsum" and "Sharia Simsim," resp) designed to teach tykes respect, tolerance and friendship. Each show has its own set of lovable Muppets, but the two sides will interact thru crossover segments, kinda like when Richard Belzer (Homicide: Life On The Streets) cameo'd on the X-Files episode 'bout the secret origin of those 3 riot nrrrds who help out Mulder in times of need. (To recap: Belzer's cop character doesn't buy word-one of those Atari geeks' conspiracy theories re: gov't paranoia drugz bein' distributed via asthma inhalers. Incidentally, the on-the-ball reader may recall the episode of Beverly Hills 90210 in which Steve tries his hand at standup comedy only to crash'n'burn - but when he gets on stage the next week, he's alluva sudden shit-hot. Everyone thinks he's buried his soul at the crossroads in exchange for a good-luck mojo made outta a monkey's paw dipped in honey & rolled in nuts - or maybe he found a magic whistle - but in fact Steve wuz only plagiarizing an R. Belzer comedy album. And what's on the cover of said CD, y'ask? Why, the disbelievin' Belzer's head grafted onto Lee Harvey Oswald's rifle-clutchin', Commie-luvin' body! Coincidink? Hardly.) The Palestinian producers, by-the-by, are adamant the Muppets have a damn good reason to jump shows, like (e.g.) the retrieval of a wayward kite (which I do believe is how Mork ended up on Happy Days). These new Sesame Streets not only put a fun face (made of felt and halved ping-pong balls) on war, but open the door for full-on corp sponsorship of current events ("This skirmish brought to you by PBS and the number 18"). (Not to mention the merchandise possibilities: PeaceTime Ernie - pull his hair and he chirps cute phrases like "I feel sleepy" & "Stay outta Gaza" - and the soon-to-be runaway smash-hit Tickle Me Oslo doll.) Man, the millennium is gonna be great! Next week: Teletubbies and the war on drugs. |