FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1997. All Rights Reserved.
Make the beggars leave town
Predictions on Conservative social policy and other oxymorons
By Hamish MacAulayThe holiday season is a favorite time of year for every columnist. Christmas clichés make our indolent lives even easier, but it is the happy task of culling our barely-used minds for meaningless New Year's predictions that brings a tear to our collective eyes. Tears known only to those who can relish a paycheque unearned. Would all bank presidents please form a line to the left to collect their hankies.
To be honest these predictions are more like expectations. Even the worst VLT addict would not bet against these happening:
The Klein government will finally make the most anticipated announcement in provincial politics since its re-election last spring and increase government spending in its February budget. Because this is a government that lives in a house of cards called "fiscal restraint," the increased spending will be called "re-investment in priority areas." This new standard in fiscal euphemisms will go largely unnoticed until John Havelock comments that this extra spending is undermining the government's social services policy of convincing poor people to leave the province.
Our dynamic Treasurer Stockwell Day will spend most of the year trying to get poor people to leave the province by creating a flat income tax. He will still find the time to make stupid comments about homosexuals or single mothers. If he can form a sentence long enough, he will offend both groups at the same time.
Speaking of provincial ministers still learning that opening your mouth is the fastest way to prove you are a fool, Steve West will lay off several hundred government employees during 1998. While avoiding meetings with bureaucrats so he has no personal feelings or qualms about axing their jobs, Steve will find the time to explain again that industry and the private sector have only the best interests of Albertans in mind and they can regulate themselves. There is no need for government to keep an eye on things because companies always put the betterment of society ahead of the bottom line.
Without being asked by anyone, a group of high-profile Calgarians with familiar sounding names will lead a bid for some kind of "world class event" that will put Calgary on the map and put lots of tourist dollars in to the pockets of high-profile Calgarians.
The Chretien government will do nothing, take credit for everything and remain popular for doing so. Popular everywhere except Alberta, of course, where they will be blamed for everything. Instead, Ralph Klein will take the credit for doing nothing and remain popular for doing so.
As depressing as they are, all these things will come to pass. To keep you going, however, there is always at least a faint hope that some of the following might come true as well:
On the federal front, Preston Manning and Jean Charest will admit that a merger of right wing parties will never happen. Working together will force them to admit that they have secretly lusted after each other ever since they competed in the Chief Dief debating contest in high school.
Doug Young, ousted Liberal heavy from Nova Scotia, will make a comeback when he agrees to act as Senator Andrew Thompson's body double.
In Alberta both Al Duerr and Ralph Klein will announce they have developed allergies to beef. Unable to fulfill their duties and amid furious protests from the beef lobby, they will retire and open up a halfway house for recovering carnivores.
Calling all Ontarians "ingrates" and expressing his desire to work for a real conservative party, Mike Harris will resign as Ontario Premier and run for the leadership of the Alberta Liberal Party.
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