FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1997. All Rights Reserved.


I Didn't Know You Could Do That
by John Tebbutt

Compiled here are a number of strange and unusual skills used by various movie characters. Some of these skills are real and were actually performed by the actors (such as the sword swallower from Freaks) while others are clearly fictitious (such as James Lorinz's phrenological ability to stimulate his creativity by drilling holes in his head in Frankenhooker).

· Dog psychiatry: Down and Out in Beverly Hills

· Preparation and cooking of field mice: Never Cry Wolf

· Designing gynecological instruments for use on mutant women: Dead Ringers

· Drinking an entire 30-foot vat of beer and extinguishing a major fire: Strange Brew

· Igniting one's thumb like a Bic lighter: Way Out West

· Catching bullets with a butterfly net: El Topo

· Training a rattlesnake to guard a gyrocopter: Road Warrior

· Bark fish carving, bark fish appreciation, and buttock wrestling: Tales from the Gimli Hospital (These three skills are allegedly real. The first involves cutting bark into the shape of a fish, the second involves staring intently at your creation, and the third looks like two guys trying to rip each others butt-cheeks off.)

· Successfully telling crickets to shut up: Straight to Hell

· The ability to kill by shouting: The Shout

· Cat juggling: The Jerk

· Playing the cello in a marching band: Take the Money and Run

· Running on water or wet cement without sinking: Remo Williams

· Fencing while bouncing on a trampoline: Theatre of Blood

· Translating "Jive": Airplane!

· Winning an insult contest: Cat O' Nine Tails

· Winning an insult contest by making fun of one's own nose: Roxanne, or Cyrano de Bergerac

· Two-handed sword throwing: Ladyhawke

· Using a razorblade to slice garlic so thin that it liquefies in the frying pan: Goodfellas

· Driving nails with one's bare hands, deflecting cannon-balls with one's stomach, and musical hand-squeezing: Gizmo! (This entertaining compilation is made up of several bits of film showing people who have invented peculiar devices, or have developed bizarre skills.)

· Zombie wrangling (ie the care and feeding of the living dead): Dead Alive, and Day of the Dead

· Deflecting an artillery shell with a flick of the wrist: Zeram

· Deflecting six throwing knives simultaneously with a pair of iron boxing gloves: Lion Man II: The Witchqueen

· Properly administering narcotics to an inflatable fish: The Mystery of the Leaping Fish

· Constructing a working van entirely out of marijuana: Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke

· Postdubbing the soundtracks of porno movies: Jesus of Montreal

· Postdubbing the soundtracks of porno movies with funny cartoon noises: Volere Volare

· Bending a tree over and using it as a catapult to launch oneself into an enemy camp: The Adventures of Captain Marvel

· Animal communication: Doctor Dolittle

· Insect communication: Creepers

· Licking one's palms and adhering to a wall: The Man with Two Brains

· Converting a wrecked plane into an ocean vessel: The Last Flight of Noah's Ark

· Having sex indefinitely without ejaculation: Ilsa, She-Wolf of the S.S.

· Fly-catching with chopsticks: The Karate Kid

· Ascending/descending a wall via tape measure: The Wrong Trousers

· Twirling one's tassels in opposite directions: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

· Using flatulence to shoot blowgun darts and to play musical instruments: La Teta Y La Luna (This is another real skill, and was once a popular stage ace. The character in the film maintained his performance-quality intestinal gas by consuming lots of mineral water and cauliflower.)


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