FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1997. All Rights Reserved.
SPLICE
by FFWD StaffSchwa World Operations Manual
The Schwa World Operations Manual (Chronicle Books) is a complete guide and starter kit for taking command of any small planet. However, according to the book's instructions, the reader shouldn't follow instructions. "They will write instructions when they want you to do something. They want you to do what they want you to do. Instructions are broken down in small steps. When you make small steps, you become a smaller person. When you become smaller, you need instructions to tell you where to go and what to do...."
The black-and-white illustrated manual includes sections on how to take control, how to entertain your planet, how to build the future, etc. and comes complete with a poster and ID card, as well as certificates, stickers, postcards and more. "Packed with certified propaganda tools, this essential reference is one-stop shopping for future world operators."
The Disbeliever's Dictionary
Titled The Disbeliever's Dictionary (Somerville House Publishing), writer Brian Fawcett's latest book is a hilarious cynic's A to Z encyclopedia of Canadian people, places and phrases. With a sharp eye, Fawcett looks at all the things that make Canadians the unique individuals we are - Don Cherry, Peter Gzowski, The Reform Party, Meech Lake - and makes fun of them.
Writes the author in the book's prologue, "If we're going to succeed in living together - Quebec, Ontario, BC and the rest - without turning into the squabbling confederacy of blow-hard tribalized axe murderers our current leaders are drawing us toward, the average citizen is going to have to operate with more definitions that penetrate the soft lies that are smothering us with a toxic glue made up partly of gleaming but pointless product and partly our own goofiness and greed."
The Disbeliever's Dictionary is as indispensable and enjoyable a Canadian reference book as Jeff Pevere's Mondo Canuck.
· Bryan Adams: Gravel-voiced androgynous Vancouver musician distinguished by his ability to discover and cover the musical equivalent of dead neutral....
· Calgary: Winner of Canadian Dallas lookalike contest, and home of Calgary Stampede, an annual event aimed at finding creative ways for drunk rednecks to kill and injure innocent horses.
· Pamela Lee: The most-recognized Canadian on the planet, even if no one knows she's a Canadian and her most distinguishing physical feature is American-made silicon.
· Sook Yin Lee: Western civilization's revenge on Chinese immigration, and vice versa.
· Marshall McLuhan: 1960's communications speed-freak and corporate raconteur who was hounded by packs of wild academic and media dogs into total incomprehensibility....
· Moses Znaimer: ...One of many McLuhanites who've never read McLuhan, he's fond of reading on-air from cue cards that predict the death of print. And incidentally, is there anything revolutionary about having your news-readers wander around the studio while they read the news? One last thing. What does it mean when the leader of the revolution wears a ponytail made up exclusively of neck hairs?
Web watch
Hear the one about the "Dopey Druggies"? They got busted after dialling 911 instead of 411. How about the man who claims his life has been miserable since a hypnotist got him to simulate sex with a chair during a performance at a local bar? The man testified that he never came out of the spell and has since tried to make love to his mattress, washing machine, dryer, chairs and even his bathtub. And then there's the groom who, during his speech at the wedding reception, expressed his appreciation to the 300 guests in attendance by telling them to open the envelopes taped under the chairs to receive a small gift - an explicit photo of the lovely bride having sex with the best man. He told them both to fuck off, walked out and had the marriage annulled the next day.
Ovi's World of the Bizarre reveals the latest weird-but-true news from around the world. The site includes the current edition as well as back issues, quotes of the week, the Top 20 bizarre stories, 25 weird sex laws from the US, cartoons, a bizarre and fun page of the week, etc.
The most recent issue includes the following bit from Canada: "Two Canadian men (sic) have completed one week locked inside a cage and living like chickens. They each received $1,775 from a video producer filming a documentary about... 'people as chickens.'"
Free stuff
Fast Forward has changed the day we start giving away free stuff to Friday. The office is open weekdays from 9 a.m. to noon and 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. Each winner is eligible for one prize only - don't be greedy.
This week the Globe Cinema is giving away a prize package for the critically-acclaimed Canadian film The Hanging Garden. The winner will receive a run-of-engagement pass for free admission for four people, including popcorn and drinks, as well as a CD soundtrack and a Moosehead beer keychain. To win, drop by FFWD with a donation for the food bank and name the region where the story takes place.
We also have five double passes good for the run of engagement of The Designated Mourner showing at the newly renovated Uptown Screen, which reopens November 28. The film, written by Wallace Shawn and starring Mike Nichols, Miranda Richardson and David de Keyser, runs until December 5. To win, drop by FFWD with a donation for the food bank.
We also have a limited number of Alien Resurrection shirts, caps and posters for the first people to bring in a food donation and answer the following question: What is Ripley's first name?
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