FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1997. All Rights Reserved.
Now that's totally amore
When Rev. Moon licks yer ass like a big shard of glass...Of all the bestest opening moments in Contemp Lit'rature, the coolest (right after H. Stern's descrip of his parents screwing, in Private Parts) has to belong to D. DeLillo's Mao II (1991). Set in Yankee Stadium, the prologue finds mom'n'dad in the bleachers, squinting to catch a glimpse of their daughter, about to be married in a Moonie mass wedding. Meanwhile, the daughter is totally gung-ho on the whole Moonie deal, but more-than-a-little weirded-out 'bout marrying a guy named Kim.
The absofreakinlutely only way the scene could be any better (y'know, as the tee-off to a meditation on crowds and solitude) would be to end it w/ the dad peering thru binoculars, mumbling "I think I see her! Nope, not her.... Wait a sec! Oh, nope. Hold on!..." and then the mom saying, "Put a sock innit, dear: Whitney Houston's gonna sing!"
(Maybe DeLillo could work it into a sequel [Mao II 2?], but he's not really a sequel kinda guy, altho his new novel, Underworld, opens in Giants Stadium, 1951, just in time for Bobby Thomson's "shot heard around the world," and then follows the legendary baseball as it passes from hand-to-hand over the next coupla decades, which is kinda a quaint/dumb ideer when other people do it, like Robt. Altman or E. Annie Proulx or Bil Keane [so then Dolly sez, "Who'd want this crummy ol' syringe anyway?" and meanwhile there's a bunch of ghost diabetics & junkies floating around, irony-style], but Don DeL's too cagey to fall into that trap, and that's that.) (Gasp, wheeze.)
So yeah, what's up w/ Whitney Houston singing at next week's mass Moonie marry-off at Washington's RFK Stadium? Sure, she says the event was pitched to her as a "world culture and sports festival," but isn't that also how she 'splained away her Waco gig a few years back? (But to be fair, Whit's showstopping medley of X's "Burning House of Love," Trammps' "Disco Inferno," and BöC's "Burnin' For You" totally rocked the joint.)
And how the hell did Sun Myung Moon decide on Whitney Houston, anyway? Personal fave? Whimsy? Group vote? Most couples are hard-pressed to agree on a DJ, so how do you get tens of thousands of couples to decide on Whitney? (Just so ya know, a '92 Moonie wedding in Seoul united 30,000 couples, earning a place in the Guinness Book of World Records - but only 'cuz they all piled into a phonebooth after the nuptials.)
And what if you don't like Whitney Houston? What if you thought The Preacher's Wife stunk like skunk? Imagine: "Great. Not only am I about to marry some gal/guy I met mere moments ago [nota good: The Artful Tax Dodger arranges all the Moonie marriages himself, and he digs pairing up strangers], but now I've gotta stand here & listen to Whitney Houston. Wonderful. Hmmmm... I wonder if that nacho stand is open?"
But before ya go thinking this is a terrible thing and the world's gonna crumble and stuff like that, please take comfort in knowing (according to the singer's spokeswoman), Whit will be paid (quote) "a lot" (unquote) for her efforts.
What an outrage. What a travesty. What a... awwww, I can't continue with this cruel charade: I wanna dance! I wanna dance with (gulp) 1000s of strangers who love me!
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