Copyright © 1997. All Rights Reserved.
SEPTEMBER 18 TO 24
VIRGO: If you kooky kids are ultra careful with your cash this coming week you'll soon be able to afford what you really seek. Sometimes it's hard to tell yourself that you don't need most of that crap but you can't have it all. Where the hell would you put it?
LIBRA: Congratulations! You have just received one colossal kick in the ass from Cosmic Control, as you requested. Although it hurts now, we understand that someone has expressed interest in physically manipulating your molecules to facilitate your body's natural healing process. In other words, they want to rub your bum. Go get 'em, Tiger! Grrrrr!
SCORPIO: You once were rich, but now you're poor - all because you had to keep score. That's the problem with competition: the numbers don't always tell the whole story. You can outplay your opponent but still lose. Like this time.
SAGITTARIUS: Up 'til now, you've been plodding along peacefully and minding your own business (which is pretty good, if you don't say so yourself). But at the start of the week, that's all going to change. What did you do wrong? Nothin', except get in the way of someone who ain't gonna take no for an answer.
CAPRICORN: Oh sure, you can figure out a way to get whatever you want, brainiac. But c'mon, let's get real here. Do you really want it or are you just being capricious? If so, it's only a matter of time before someone gets your goat.
AQUARIUS: Don't think that you have it all figured out there, darlin'. The help you're getting isn't exactly what it seems to be. In fact, it isn't exactly help. So, unless you're seeking sucker status in this society, it's certainly safe to assume you should say, "See ya!"
PISCES: Seeing as your attention span is somewhat sporadic, you're going to need some help in settling the score. Better get on your knees and pray for the fiery retribution of God's wrath to rain down on your rival and the generations that follow. Either that or let bygones be bygones.
ARIES: It's gonna seem like Santa stopped by early this season when you find a present anonymously put in your pad. Be careful opening it, though. If you pry too hard, you could end up taking the whole thing apart. Doh!
TAURUS: You're so hot, you're on fire! In fact, you've been cookin' with gas ever since someone lit a match under you. The problem that's gonna work you over this weekend, though, is that thinkin' about burnin' is like throwin' a bucket o' brine on the blaze: nothing turns off a flame faster.
GEMINI: Things have come to fruition for you at last and as usual, you'll grab the best one off the tree for yourself. And ooohh, it'll be a big and juicy one. You'll bite into it and slowly suck out all the juice and pulp. When you're done, you'll ditch the pit. It's not that we don't like you, we're just jealous.
CANCER: Hey crab-type person! You better use your pincers to get a grip or else you're gonna be a goner. Take some time out somewhere where you'll be by yourself. You're losing it and if you're alone in a confined area it can't go too far, can it?
LEO: You may be the king and/or queen of the castle, but you can only build it so big. Besides, don't you know the saying about falling for things that are big and hard (or something like that)? Why don't you build a whole bunch of small ones, instead? It only improves the odds and what the hell, it gives the slaves somethin' to do.
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