FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1997. All Rights Reserved.
Transvestylvania 6-9000
Hey! Who's in the mood for a historical cover-up?Ah, the innocence of the '40s, when we ("the people") liked them ("our heroes") nice 'n' wholesome - unlike today, when we positively dig it to death when actors & astronauts do naughty stuff. I can't think of any examples, but you know it's true, brothers & sisters, you know it's true!
Big band big boy Glenn Miller may very well have been a right prick, but ya wouldn't suss as much by flipping thru the history books or even by viddying the 1954 flick The Glenn Miller Story, starring Jimmy Stewart as GM, June Allyson (way way way before she started hocking XL diapers or whadever the hell it is she does these days) as Helen "GM's wife / business manager" Miller, and Col. Harry Morgan (way way way before he stopped beating his wife) as GM's best friend Chummy (a Hollywood conglomeration of real life characters Buddy, Friendly, and Cuddles). The film chronicles Miller's quest for The Sound, the slippery bells-'n'-whistles rattling inside his head which he just knows will drive 'em wild on the dance floor. He of course finds The Sound (under some couch cushions after a dinner party with Louis Armstrong), becomes a top-o'-the-charts success and ships off to serve in WWII. Then his plane disappears b'twixt Paris and London, and that's pretty much all we ever hear of his like again. A sad story, but Glenn was a good man and all good men go to a watery heaven, so maybe it's sorta happy as well.
Avast, mateys, here's the rub: it has just come to light (minutes ago!) that the whole spiel about how Glenn Miller's plane disappeared etc. etc. was just a US gov't-concocted ruse to conceal his sordid true-life passing. According to a reporter in Berlin (don't ask), who came into top secret US documents found blowing down the street, Glenn Miller's ticker gave out while he wuz oh-so flagrante delicto al dente w/ a Parisian prostitute - and the nekkid pair were nowhere near an airplane, nor the English Channel! This Berlin dude claims that, so as not to sully the good Miller name (and so as not to make red-white-&-blue-blooded hookers feel inadequate), it was decided that a big ol' lie was in order, and that's that!
As a really shiny sign o' the times, Hollywood has picked up on this new news, and is leaping into production with two (two!) remakes of The Glenn Miller Story. First out of the silver gate is Eddie Murphy as a foul-mouthed, inexplicably overweight (hats off to morphing!) Glenn Miller. Like Shine with a bunch of #$@!, Murphy's flick is already being touted for an Oscar, largely thanx to the powerful scene in which Miller flies in the face of convention as he madly pursues The Sound: "I know, I know! We'll use 4 saxes and a clarinet lead - and I could harmonize 'em real tight in the same octave! Get me a pot of coffee and a transvestite hooker, I've got a long night ahead of me!" Also Oscar-worthy is the scene where Miller decides to do a special Christmas Eve radio broadcast from the newly liberated Paris: "For Life! For Liberty! And for the Hot Pursuit of Transvestite Hookers! Can't... feel... the... left... side... of... body...."
Also taking his big screen turn as the bossy bandleader is huggable Hugh Grant. Rewriting history with a Jiffy Marker, Grant's Miller survives the war, sheepishly returns stateside to come clean re: his Parisian sex antix, hits the talk show circuit and wins America's collective heart all over again. Turns out nobody gives a flying V about la whole prostitute deal and Miller polishes his trombone until he's an old man.
Saaaaay... how did Jimmy Stewart die? "Heart attack at home" my delicately dimpled rump.
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