FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1997. All Rights Reserved.


Kiss and tell from the casting couch
Local actress dishes the dirt on a few of her famous friends
By Lori Montgomery

Naming Names
Written and performed by Lindsay Burns
New Voices / Fem Fest
The Garry Theatre
June 4 ­ 8

Lindsay Burns concedes that her one-woman show, inspired by her years at Stage West, isn't exactly Waiting for Godot.

"It has the depth of a petri dish," she laughs. "It's a funny, wacky, trashy little story about what happened to me."

As a young actress learning the craft of comedy at Calgary's long-running dinner theatre, Burns had the opportunity to work with a host of famous and formerly-famous people drifting through town on the dinner theatre circuit. People like Gary Sandy (WKRP in Cincinnati), Bernie Kopel (The Love Boat) and Larry Linville (M*A*S*H) came and went, leaving her with, if nothing else, dozens of really good stories.

One such story takes center stage in Naming Names, this week's featured performance at Maenad's New Voices / Fem Fest. The tale begins with the slightly younger Burns hearing through the grapevine that George Peppard (Breakfast at Tiffany's, Banacek, The A-Team) was casting for a US tour of The Lion in Winter. Burns sent off a resumé, had her famous friends put in a good word for her and ended up with an introduction to the man himself.

"George started to call me and we started to talk every couple of days," she recalls. "This production meant everything to him because he didn't want to die known as the star of The A-Team. He felt that his career had gotten off the rails somewhere."

The late actor invited Burns down to LA to discuss the project and she jumped at the opportunity. What she found was not quite what she had expected.

"The thought crossed my mind while out for dinner with George - who turned out to be a very lonely man - that he wasn't just looking to cast this character." She was right about that. Peppard invited her to stay at his house while visiting LA. "I'm in his house 10 minutes and he wants to see my breasts - it's essential that he sees my breasts."

Ultimately, the actor offered Burns the not-so-rare opportunity to become the umpteenth Mrs. George Peppard. The possible rewards - including the open door to working in the US - had Burns considering it for awhile.

"I'd get the part, I'd get my green card, my spending cash would go through the ceiling, it would probably only have to last about four years - and I could have a quiet affair after two with my plastic surgeon or my personal trainer or some guy in my acting class."

As it turned out, the actress weighed the benefits of being a trophy wife with the extensive down side and chose to come back to Canada where major regional theatres were starting to take notice of her talent.

"Does that mean that I'm not interested in working with Woody Allen or winning an Academy Award? Of course not!" she exclaims. "But it was going to be a house built on sand, straw... garbage."

Burns admits to what she says is a politically incorrect (in Canada, anyway) - desire for fame.

"We're very much snobs in Canada," she says. "We like (to think) that there's no star system here - we're not into that." She pauses for effect. "Bullshit!" she says bluntly. "We all love to be stars, whether that's the lead in PlayRites or the lead on Broadway. We didn't get into this business to be unknown. We didn't get into this business to be obscure."

In order to achieve real fame, though, Burns concedes that America is still the only land of opportunity.

"We eat our own in this country. The worst thing you can do is become big because we will crush you," she says. "If someone is a star, then someone else might not be a star and we don't want to offend anyone, so we'll keep everyone on the same level. People like Donna Belleville, Chris Hunt, David LeReaney and Barbara Gates Wilson are our local theatrical stars, but often theatres won't give them billing because they don't want anyone to get too big for their britches." She acknowledges that the egalitarian spirit is commendable, but points out that it stands in the way of recognizing talent.

"We don't celebrate someone who's doing very good work and say, 'You are incredibly important to our community.'"

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