FFWD Weekly
Copyright © 1997. All Rights Reserved.
DRIVING MR. PUSHING-UP-DAISIES
A son's love knows no off-rampSo many questions, so few answers (and even fewer swear words). Here are the "facts," as they stand. Last week, a 78-year-old Ontario man vacationing in LA dropped dead. His 46-year-old son drove 4000 km ("through snow and lashing winds," according to the one report), picked up Dad's carcass, tossed it in the back of his motorhome (packed in ice, of course) and sped back to Ontario. (It was his dad's last wish to be buried in Etobicoke.) Sonny-boy didn't tell customs officials he was packing a stiff and although the whole affair was highly illegal, he's getting off scott-free.
Now the questions: Did the son wash his hands afterward? Did the son have a little fun with hitchhikers on the drive home ("...and since being released, I've just been driving around the country in this here motorhome. Thirsty? There's pop chilling in the back, help yourself")? (Gettit, gettit? Pop=a delish soft drink but also pop=daddy deadest!) Do Los Angeles hospitals just give away corpses to whoever shows up? Will somebody step on it and invent air travel so people don't have to chauffeur dead people cross-country anymore? Was the dad's real last wish to humiliate his son on as many highways as possible? What was going thru the son's head en route to LA ("Oooh, 'I'm too old to shovel the walk, my eyesight is failing, I've died in California and need a ride home.' Why is it always 'me me me,' huh Dad? HUH?!?")? At any point (like, say, when he was lugging his dead dad into the motorhome) did the son think, "Y'know, this just doesn't seem right"?
And more questions: The dynamic duo had to drive right by Disneyland - would it be wrong to stop in for a bit? (As long as you crack a window and remember where you parked, No.) One newspaper article mentioned the dead dad had seven children - does the term "short straw" ring any bells? Some guy drove for days with a corpse in his backseat - this isn't a question, it just seems kinda gross. Say you were driving down a stretch of particularly lonely road - would it be inappropriate to swing around in your seat and say, "About my allowance..."? If the son had been honest with customs officials, how does one go about declaring a cadaver? On the same note, can you bring back more than one stiff if you've been in the States for over 72 hours?
Even more questions still: Things can get silly when it's 3 a.m. and you're wired on 80 cups of joe - did the son ever let Dad drive, just for laffs? What's a better title for the TV movie: Thaw Pa or Dad Weight? Did the son ever think, "Dammit, you only live once (no offence, Dad)," and point the Winnebago toward sunny Mexico? How often should you change the ice? Or did he use those blue kool-kamping packs? Would a box of Arm&Hammer ensure freshness? Hypothetically, if the dad (who hadn't died but just fell asleep on the beach) suddenly sat up and yelled, "Take me to the Piggily-Wiggily!" would the son get the joke? Keeping in mind the urban myth about the dad who sold his son's Corvette for $1 'cuz the son died in Vietnam, what are the chances there's going to be a really good deal on a used motorhome at an Etobicoke car lot in the near future?
And honestly, how much would YOU pay for some stinky death-wagon, even if it does sleep eight? (That's eight breathers, by the way, so consider your offer carefully.)
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